Sunday, March 30, 2014

Expecting pears out of the elm tree

As I find myself in my island, I feel like in the movie cast away where the main character is talking to the coconut called Wilson... I talk to my teddy owl named Kukoo II (yep, Kukoo I stayed in Buenos Aires last December as he became international and my father claimed him as his protection totem!). He has become my companion for the past two months since I started living alone. He is the one that is always there looking at me with his big round eyes and saying like my mother used to say "no esperes peras del olmo, Caro" (or something like don´t expect to get pears out of the elm tree). He is also saying "you are alone but not lonely and alone time is not that bad. Don´t compromise in situations or relationships that are less than perfect out of fear of being alone. You are amazing with all your shadows and light and relationships should be mutual and reciprocal."

When I decided to end my marriage, I did it out of the realization that relationships should be mutual and reciprocal and not out of routine and fear of loneliness. In my heart, I knew that even when we were not fighting or arguing continuously, we were also not having a relationship. I also knew that separating would be the best decision for the both of us so we each can find a more fulfilling life and a relationship that could be more enriching than the one we were having. I know that my ancestors would have frown upon my decision because we definitely have the tribal belief that marriage is forever and even in the 21st Century, there is still the stigma of divorce. I also know that I am healing some karma from my family tree as I am sure some of the women in the family may have wanted to get a divorce but were too scared about breaking the traditions and really embracing the fact that they deserved to be happy and fulfilled and not be tied in an unhappy home dynamic out of fear of being kicked out of the tribe. It took courage to look at the situation and make such a drastic decision but I knew I could not change the person he was or ask for something he was not able to give me because I would be expecting pears out of the elm tree. He could not give me pears so I had to set him free.

I have also seen this dynamic played in other relationships in my life where I am finding myself expecting things from other people that they are not able to give me. The other day I was in my counseling session when the counselor asked me "do you think this person can give you what you want or need?" and I found myself responding no. Reality is that we set expectations on others and if they don´t fulfill them, we are hurt and disappointed but it is only the fact that they failed to meet our expectation what makes us sad. It´s up to us to realize whether the container we have set for that person as a friend is the container they can fit. Are you trying to put a square stick into a round whole? It will not fit no matter how much force you exert on it. In those moments, you need to realize that the only thing left to do is bless that relationship and let go even when it is painful.

The other day I was listening to the song "Let it go" by Demi Lovato and the words really resonating with me:

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.

Standing frozen
In the life I've chosen.
You won't find me.
The past is all behind me
Buried in the snow.

Let it go, let it go!

As I listened to those lyrics, I felt as if they were talking to me. I know I have faced many of my fears in the past year and I´ve come out the other way. I am still standing and strong. I have also realized that things have to change in my life and a major clean up and redesign was due. As I keep searching within, I know more things will need to go as they don´t vibrate at the same level I am vibrating now and they will have no place in my new life. I also know that I will stop expecting to get pears out of the elm tree. I may get amazing shade from the elm tree but I will not get pears so if shade is what I need at the time, those things may stay, but if I need a pear, I will not settle for less.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Do Rain!

I love Stuart Wilde!!! Too bad he passed away last year but his teachings will remain with us forever. Today, I decided to pop in his Infinite Self CD in the car as I was driving to work and I was reminded of what I knew before but I have forgotten during these past few months. As I listened to him talking about discipline and the mind and how when we are stuck in traffic we should just do traffic and don´t engage in emotions, I thought about the past few months when I´ve been engaged in many emotions that have not been very productive. They have actually been very damaging in a sense because they have left me with feelings of loneliness and not being enough, feelings of no matter how much I give I am left alone and fears of trusting.

Mr. Wilde was right when he said the ego likes playing with us and our minds, it also likes to let our fears run loose, and in a way they run the show. Every time we engage in emotions such as anger, we are giving our power away to those emotions. If it is raining and you are so concerned of getting wet because the ego will get inconvenienced with the rain and does not like cold water running down the neck, that´s a time to train your ego that it is not in charge. You and your infinite self are in charge and your purpose may imply something that is not very comfortable to your ego but you still have to push your barriers and move forward.

It is hard to just do rain. It´s hard to just do traffic. It´s also hard to do upset boss but with training we are able to do those emotions without engaging, just being an observer of life. We are able to detect those emotions and just tell the ego it´s ok and it will not bother you.

When I heard my boss´boss was giving her two week´s notice and we have a filing coming up in which I´ve been working non-stop since January, I first got upset and shocked as I started thinking of all the things we have to redo in 10 days and then I realized we can do it, we can do "redo". It is what it is and sometimes we can´t push the river so we just have to go with the flow.

The same has happened to me with other situations lately such as some of my loved ones passing and me having to do grieving. I was also faced with the end of my marriage and I had to do divorce and now I have to do single again. Life is such an experience and we are always faced with change but it is how we handle change and our emotions that defines our experiences. It is our response to events that determines some outcomes. We can get angry about destiny or we can embrace it. We can be sad about losses or we can let them go knowing that they will leave space for new things to come because when one door closes another one opens.

As I ran tonight, I thought the future begins now. It´s time to stop focusing on the future or the past but live in the present moment and be detached from emotions that are not healthy for me. It´s time to just be and enjoy life. I live in a great place, I have a beautiful home, a good job that allows me to live by myself and I am the leader of a wonderful community. I have so many things to be grateful for and many times I focused on what I don´t have. It´s time to forget the future because the future is now! and the actions I take today will ripple into the future outcomes! It´s time to stop engaging with emotions that do not serve me anymore and instead just be! Be present! Be open! Trust and just Do Rain!

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Strong but Flexible... Lead Away

For the longest time, I thought the best way of protection was to shield. Shield against all the unwanted energies that were coming to you. Put up a wall, a brick wall that can not be penetrated with anything but in putting up  that wall you spend a lot of energy with keeping your guard up, and you have less energy to spend in manifesting your dreams.

A few years ago, one of my counselors asked me why I spent so much time protecting and keeping people away instead of letting them in and leading away those whose energies did not resonate with me. At that time, it seemed not possible to be able to let people in who did not have the best intentions, those people who seemed to take only, those people who had their own agendas or their own benefit in mind and did not really care about me. Those relationships that were co-dependent or not mutual and reciprocal.

A few years after, my best friend introduced me to martial arts and I learned the way of wo wei.. or no action.. or leading away. I still recall the time that we were pushing and he told me...  you are strong.... but it takes less energy to lead away so you can hit harder after that. It´s not about resisting but of feeling and finding the center line. When you find the center line you can definitely move that person away pretty fast. To find the center line you have to feel, you can´t shield. To feel you have to let the person in, you can´t build the brick wall and just protect. If you do that, you don´t know what is on the other side of the wall because you are spending all your energy protecting.

Between my former counselor and my best friend, I started feeling that there may be no use in holding up a wall or living in a fortress so nobody can come inside but instead it was time to use my intuition and my deeper self to determine who can come close to me, who I will lead away and who will I take up to battle but a Queen only goes to battle when she has eliminated all other options and she knows she will win. Like in chess, you may sacrifice some pieces in order to get to Mate.

There is no doubt that I am a strong lady but it´s time to become flexible and let myself feel what is coming towards me so I can definitely lead away those things or relationships that do not belong in my realm.

Lead away.....

Many blessings,

Lady C. Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Presumed Innocent

What a week! I was summoned to Jury Duty on Thursday and when I arrived there, I found out that I was chosen for a murder trial. A domestic violence case that ended up with a woman stabbed to death. I was shocked and I knew within myself I could not be a juror in such a case because I am not sure if I could be impartial as well as presumed this person did not kill this young lady until proven guilty beyond the reasonable doubt. Thank Goddess I was dismissed on Friday after two days of jury selection process that left me with a feeling of how the justice system works in this country.

While I was going through the process, I couldn´t help but think how hard it is to start with no preconceptions and assume the person is innocent. Somehow, if something happens in my life, I tend to look at the circumstantial evidence and determine what happened with my own assumptions and intuition. In doing so, I may fail to see the full picture because I don´t know 100% of the facts every time. If a person says one thing and then does another, does this person´s word is less than this person´s actions? If a person does not follow through with what they said they would do, are they still innocent or should they be considered guilty of charge? How many chances you give a person that shows you with actions that they are not walking their talk?

In the book The Four Agreements, one of the agreements is "don´t make assumptions" because assumptions are usually wrong. When we have the facts, it´s still hard not to make assumptions of what is going on and keep the mind open to believe the person is still innocent until proven guilty. I think the jury duty experience made me really think about how at times my judgement may be wrong and how I may begin with the assumption that the person is guilty until proven innocent. This situation may come from disappointments in the past and the inability to trust again due to previous negative experiences. 

Sometimes we need to learn to trust and know that we may not have all the facts to determine whether the person is guilty or innocent and in those cases, we have to give the person the reasonable benefit of the doubt but if they continuously do the same thing again and again, then it comes a time that we have to deem them guilty and move on but before that, it´s important to presume them innocent.

Many Blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor