Saturday, June 27, 2015

Peeling off the layers... time to shed

If you have to choose a word to describe the month of June, what would that word be? June... June... June... Thinking.... so many words!!! Learning, awakening, growing, expanding, light, crossroads, review, letting go, ending, beginnings... but if I had to pick one, I would say my word is Clarity. June marked the beginning of a self-discovery journey that started with hypnotherapy and counseling and followed with the beginning of my work with Sonia Choquette´s online classes and Colette Baron Reid´s class on Weight Release Energetics. The combination of all these items together created the perfect recipe for clarity and direction. Mercury Retrograde and Shadow period was also helpful to review and re-direct energies. As I look at my round table, I see several journals that mark the commitment to self-exploration and the promise of fearless shadow work that can lead to more light and clarity in my life. It´s time to free the energies tied in old regrets, old patterns, and old beliefs. The only way we can change our world is if we change ourselves. We are all one and it starts with each and everyone of us doing our own work, healing our own selves and accepting our own truths. When we change ourselves, we change our families, we change our communities, we change our cities, we change our states, we change our countries, we change our world.

Doing self-work is like peeling the layers of an onion because we look at one layer and once we are done with that one, we can look at another layer.. and so on and so forth. My June exploration focussed on forgiveness work and connecting with my guides more strongly. Forgiveness is not only about forgiving others but it is also about forgiving ourselves. We carry a lot of baggage that is connected with shame, regret, sadness, or emotions that got stuck within ourselves. As Sonia says, forgiveness is a process and you can not think your way through forgiveness, you need to move the energy. In order to move the energy, you need to look at those things that have created those emotions and see why you are holding on to them. Is it because it is easier to deal with the uncomfortable known that face the unknown? Is pain comfortable? As I was working with the exercises I had a few A-ha moments but the most enlightening of all was to realize that I´ve been holding to my weight since I came to USA because it´s my layer of protection.  It´s the extra padding that protects me from the outside. I usually have my guard up and I take a defensive position. It´s like I live protecting myself even when protection is not needed. Many years ago, one therapist told me that instead of blocking energies, I should just allow the things to pass me by and not get attached. This defensive stand is also portrait in my auto-immune disease where my body does not know that my thyroid is not the enemy and attacks it. My own body attacks itself out of protection and fear. It´s time to change that paradigm and trust. Trust that my guides are there to protect me and they are always around. If I want to hear them, I need to be open and in order to be open, I need to let down my guard and protection. I think it´s time for me to come out of the fortress of my own life knowing that I am safe and I am protected. It is ok to shed the weight because I don´t need it to protect me. It has fulfill it´s purpose and now it´s time for me to find my inner peace and discover who I really am, what I love doing and forgive all those that have hurt me and also forgive myself. 

As I continue peeling off the layers and there is always something to shed... What layers are you peeling this year? What areas are you ready to shed?

Many blessings,

Carolina A. Amor

Sunday, June 21, 2015

No need to be invisible anymore... You are safe.

Have you ever felt that you needed to be the wall flower in your life? Have you ever felt that it was not safe for you to be seen? I have. Not only I was brought up in a big city filled with dangers,  a place where you do not want to call attention to yourself, you don´t want to be the prey because there are so many predators out there! But I also felt it was not safe to be seen in my own house. There were dangers beyond my ability to understand at that age that made me feel I should not voice my feelings because it was not safe. I should not stand out because it was not safe. I should not be too visible because it was not safe. It was much better to be invisible than be seen. That was the beginning of a story of shyness, of not wanted to dress too much so I would not call attention towards me, I would speak the bare minimum and keep my silence... I did everything I could to just be invisible.

When I decided to become a Priestess, I knew that there would be a time where I would need to come to the front line and face my fears. I had to accept that I had a valid message and a voice, and my voice was important. I need to realize that it was okay to be the center of attention at times and get comfortable in my own skin to be able to face audiences. I had to learn to love my body the way it is even if I am quite bigger than I was when I was in Argentina. I used to be 130 but that number seems unreal and after an eating disorder, I learned weight does not translate in beauty. I am created in the image of the Goddess and since She is beautiful, I am beautiful as well.

After 6 years of being initiated, I have faced a few presentations, workshops, rituals, and I can say that even though I still get nervous, now I am feeling much more comfortable in my own skin and I am not invisible anymore. I think getting nervous is normal and a sign that I am alive but it is facing the fear and doing it anyway what gives me power. I still have the little voice inside myself that says it´s not safe to call attention to yourself or to speak your truth but my inner self is stronger now and does it anyways because it is okay to have a voice, it is okay to take some space, it is okay to take time, and I don´t need to apologize for that or become invisible. I am a lighthouse and I am here to illuminate the way for those who are lost and scared. I don´t need to hide. It is perfectly fine to shine with my own light and bring my message to the world.

Many blessings,

Carolina Amalia Amor

Monday, June 8, 2015

Stop the Self-Destruct

Have you ever wondered why when other people or situations hurt us we may have a tendency to hurt ourselves instead of choosing self-care? I was with my therapist today and we were discussing my childhood when she said the words... "oh you were self-destructing yourself then" as I was discussing my eating disorders when I was young. Her words resonated with me because I started thinking about all the times that I have chosen to hurt myself instead of dealing with the feelings of pain, of abandonment, of loneliness, of lack of love and so many other emotions that were related to growing up in a house with a mother with a severe mental disorder and an absent father due to his job.

When we are children, we don´t have the tools or the ability to recognize the patterns. We are just reacting to certain situations the best way we can. I can recall my severe asthma or my allergy attacks where I would just burst into itching. All signs of calling for attention and taking it up on my body to experience those emotions I could not process.

As we grow up, we start developing other strategies that usually involve some sort of self-destruction whether is over-eating, over-drinking, over-working, among other over-words that we can think of. Have you every got too busy so you can be numb and don´t feel pain? I know I have done this in the past where my schedule was so full I hardly had time to breath but I was so busy that I could not even think of how I was feeling.

They call it comfort food but every time we reach for food to fill the empty spaces in ourselves or to stuff our emotions up we are moving towards self-destruction and away of self-care. We can also abuse of alcohol or drugs to numb our feelings. Any kind of substance that creates the desire outcome - not feel our feelings and just deny reality because reality may be to hard to deal with.

Relationships can also be an addiction and I know I have had my fair share of toxic relationships or relationships that were there just to help me deal with feelings from the past and try to resolve old patterns. As Jung said, until the right diagnosis is reached, no healing can occur. We need to realize our patterns in order to be able to heal them. Awareness is key.

Next time you feel like working 16 hours in a row, think What am I trying to cover with this tendency? Why am I not able to set up healthy boundaries with my employer so I have a better work/life balance? 

In the past, I would have had a hard time cooking for myself when I would be alone. If my ex-husband was there it was easier to cook for us but if it was just me, I would just fix something quick. These days, I am choosing healthy meals, organic vegetables, plenty of delicious fruits and healthy foods that will nourish me. I know I have been trained to take care of others first but that has changed in the past few years. Now I put on the air mask first and then help others. It´s time to stop the self-destruct and focus on providing for myself all those things that in the past I expected others to provide for me. It starts with me. I am my own best friend and I come first. 

No more this person will self-destruct in five seconds... Now it will be this person will heal herself and get stronger every day choosing healthy patterns, nourishing relationships and better situations.

Many blessings,

Carolina A. Amor