Stop the Self-Destruct

Have you ever wondered why when other people or situations hurt us we may have a tendency to hurt ourselves instead of choosing self-care? I was with my therapist today and we were discussing my childhood when she said the words... "oh you were self-destructing yourself then" as I was discussing my eating disorders when I was young. Her words resonated with me because I started thinking about all the times that I have chosen to hurt myself instead of dealing with the feelings of pain, of abandonment, of loneliness, of lack of love and so many other emotions that were related to growing up in a house with a mother with a severe mental disorder and an absent father due to his job.

When we are children, we don´t have the tools or the ability to recognize the patterns. We are just reacting to certain situations the best way we can. I can recall my severe asthma or my allergy attacks where I would just burst into itching. All signs of calling for attention and taking it up on my body to experience those emotions I could not process.

As we grow up, we start developing other strategies that usually involve some sort of self-destruction whether is over-eating, over-drinking, over-working, among other over-words that we can think of. Have you every got too busy so you can be numb and don´t feel pain? I know I have done this in the past where my schedule was so full I hardly had time to breath but I was so busy that I could not even think of how I was feeling.

They call it comfort food but every time we reach for food to fill the empty spaces in ourselves or to stuff our emotions up we are moving towards self-destruction and away of self-care. We can also abuse of alcohol or drugs to numb our feelings. Any kind of substance that creates the desire outcome - not feel our feelings and just deny reality because reality may be to hard to deal with.

Relationships can also be an addiction and I know I have had my fair share of toxic relationships or relationships that were there just to help me deal with feelings from the past and try to resolve old patterns. As Jung said, until the right diagnosis is reached, no healing can occur. We need to realize our patterns in order to be able to heal them. Awareness is key.

Next time you feel like working 16 hours in a row, think What am I trying to cover with this tendency? Why am I not able to set up healthy boundaries with my employer so I have a better work/life balance? 

In the past, I would have had a hard time cooking for myself when I would be alone. If my ex-husband was there it was easier to cook for us but if it was just me, I would just fix something quick. These days, I am choosing healthy meals, organic vegetables, plenty of delicious fruits and healthy foods that will nourish me. I know I have been trained to take care of others first but that has changed in the past few years. Now I put on the air mask first and then help others. It´s time to stop the self-destruct and focus on providing for myself all those things that in the past I expected others to provide for me. It starts with me. I am my own best friend and I come first. 

No more this person will self-destruct in five seconds... Now it will be this person will heal herself and get stronger every day choosing healthy patterns, nourishing relationships and better situations.

Many blessings,

Carolina A. Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/