Sunday, March 25, 2012

Over-giving, Over-doing, Over-exhausted

Every time Mercury turns retrograde, we get a chance to look at our lives and see what areas are not working for us, what areas we could improve, and what areas we should focus on working once Mercury turns direct on April 4. During this retrograde period, Rev. Ava Park introduced me to the Enneagram personality types. I was fascinated when I started reading the book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram - the complete guide to psychological and spiritual growth for the nine personality types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson." In this book, they describe this method the following way:

"The Enneagram is not a religion, however; nor does it interfere with a person´s religious orientation. It does not pretend to be a complete spiritual path. Nevertheless, it concerns itself with one element fundamental to all spiritual paths: self-knowledge."

I have taken the "know thyself" as one of my personal mantras since I started walking the Goddess centered spiritual path over 13 years ago. This saying has been with me since the beginning as well as the one that says "I only know, I know nothing" because part of my spiritual core says that I need to know myself well in order to be able to grow in this lifetime and I can never stop learning because the day that I think I know it all something has gone seriously wrong....

When I started exploring the Enneagram and doing some tests, my first test said that I was a 3 - The Achiever. Many of the characteristics of the three fit me quite well - workaholic, role model, wanting to be the best, always setting a goal and going for it. But there were also some characteristics that did not fit me as a status seeker or a person that likes to be the focus of attention (I am quite shy). When discussing with Ava, she did not agree with the test that said I was a 3 so we started going deeper and I did her test. This test said I was a two - the helper. The words that described this type really resonated with me - caretaker, generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing and possessive. As I started reading more about this number, I started remembering how many times I have given in excess and what the inner motive was for that giving. I am always the person who is there when you need help, anticipating people´s needs, always offering a hand and at times this over-giving leaves me exhausted, angry, and frustrated because I end up feeling that I give and give and give and I don´t receive. The same happens with doing. I do so much that at times I become a human doer instead of a human being (that´s where my three wing comes on because I definitely have some characteristics of the three - just not the core).

Studying the Enneagram has made me start thinking about why I give to people, what is the inner motive. Am I looking for love? Am I looking for the other person to give to me? Am I getting angry because I give and I don´t receive then I become a victim or a martyr? When I was a child, I took care of my mother as if I were her mother. I never allowed myself to be a maiden, I was a mother since I was 11 years old. Taking care of her needs when she was sick, when she was depressed, when she was on her high ride (yes - my mother was bipolar). This situation has made me feel like I sacrificed myself for her and that I did not get to live the life I wanted to live. Was I looking for my mother´s love? Maybe. I just know that know I am very aware of this pattern and I try to not fall into it anymore.

Last Friday, one of my friends was telling that she was going to go away with her husband and leave her two adorable kids with her parents who are elders and not in very good health. My first reaction was to say ... do you want me to take care of your kids while you go away? But then I stopped, thought again, and realized that I was tired, that I needed time for myself and if I did that, I would regret it and end up over-exhausted. As hard as it was, I did not offer anything and just moved on. The people savior in me wanted to go help, wanted to save the day, but the Queen in me said NO, you need to put yourself first.

From now on, I will help when I want to help from the heart and not because I am trying to please somebody, or feel loved, or feel needed. I also decided to start working with the affirmation "I love myself unconditionally just the way I am" so I am not looking at others to reflect my worth but I see myself lovable and worth of having the life I deserve.

The Enneagram was the tool that brought clarity and focus during this Mercury Retrograde Period. I highly recommend people to find their numbers and see how this test can help them. I know, from now on I say NO to over-giving, over-doing and getting over-exhausted.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina )0(

Monday, March 19, 2012

Life Just Happens.... No, no, nooooooo.....

Today as I was re-reading the materials for my Queen Training, I came across Rev. Ava Park´s words "Without Her Queen, Her Architect, a Woman´s Life Just Happen" and I couldn´t help but think "this is it". Yes! This simple phrase contains the essence of life and how we women at times lose our vision and let things happen to us. Well... not only women but I am a woman and I talk from that perspective. The Queen is the Law Maker for her realm. Her laws are the foundation for her Realm, for her Vision, for what she is trying to construct. In the past, I was not clear about what the laws for my life were. I may not have felt like I was worthy of dictating the laws for my realm but today, I am Queen and I will make sure my life is just a reflection of my vision and it is just not happening to me. I have the power to create my reality.

One of the laws for my realm is "My thoughts manifest my reality. I can change my reality by changing my thoughts." This Law is about the power to create, the power to vision, the power to be the builder of my realm. I will not use words like "They did this to me.... or she did not let me... or he was mean to me...." From now on, I am the writer of my herstory and as the writer I hold the pen to draw what I want and believe me, those things I don´t want will just fall down, be cut off, be eliminated. Yes, words have power and these words are strong but this is how strong I feel about being on the driver´s seat of my life and not allowing others to drive me around. If I wanted to be Ms. Daisey, I would be one but that´s not me, that´s not my Queen, that´s not who I really am. I am the driver, I am the decision maker, I am the manifester and I can create those things I want right here, right now. Clarity is essential and when life gets clouded, it´s time to go back to the center, to regroup, to consult with the Queen within and touch base with her laws, with her vision, with her power.

Are you in the driver seat or is somebody driving your life for you? Is life just happening to you? Do you want to wake up one day and feel that life has passed you by and you had not impact in what has happened? Reclaim your power today, crown yourself as the Queen of your realm and vision your life the way you want it to be. You have the power. You are Queen!

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina )0)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Having a Me Party!

The other day as I was watching the movie "The Muppets", there was a part when one of the main characters was signing a song "Having a Me party" as she was eating alone in a dinner. Then, when her partner came back, she quoted so many synonyms of the word by myself that it was funny. Yes! She was like I went there independently, I visited this place individually, and the list keeps going. As I watched this scene, I couldn't help but think how many times I have placed my happiness in others, my self-esteem, my value, my priorities. It's interesting to look back and see all those times when I put other people's needs first. Their reactions described my value to me. As Rev. Ava Park would say "My shadow maiden was having a party and she was craving for approval from others."

How many times have you waited for others to probe you that you are beautiful or worth for who you are? Do you recall when you look at your partner and expected him to show you how wonderful you are and in that gave away your power? I can recall several times and several relationships in my life when I was just waiting for others to show me that I was worth being loved, I was beautiful, I was intelligent and the list goes on.

How many times have you waited for your boss to tell you you are doing a wonderful job to find out he or she will not and that impacts your self-worth? I have been there many times, thinking if I do more, if I break my boundaries just to prove I am wonder woman, he or she will notice, she or he will validate me as an intelligent woman. It did not happen.

How many times have you seek approval from your parents? Have you studied a course of studies because you father wanted you to do so? Have you followed the standard designed by your family because you were afraid if you did not you would be punished or not loved? Luckily, I have been the one breaking the structures in my family since I met my husband online and married him, moved to the USA from Argentina and started from cero again, but there are many people who just study something because it is the family tradition, or they marry the person their parents will accept, or follow the path that will lead them to approval from the outside.

Why do we seek approval? Why do we need people to approve who we are? Everything starts at home and by home I mean YOU. You need to love yourself first, you need to accept yourself as you are, you need to be passionate for your career, your life, your vision. It is a Me Party. Nobody else can make you feel beautiful if you don't feel beautiful inside. Nobody can make you happy if happiness does not come from within. Nobody can love you if you don't love yourself.

Start today. Have a Me Party! Accept yourself as you are without ifs or buts, just as you are now. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are strong, You are healthy. You are powerful. You are loved. Nobody can take that away from you once you find it within. It is a Me Party!

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Never ending 30 minutes

When we start a journey, we never know what will happen from the beginning till the end but we know we are in the path that will take us to a destination. Many times we face obstacles during the journey. We fall down. We get sad and discouraged. We get tired. We get sick. We get demotivated but when we look at the destination, we remember why we are in this journey and what we want to accomplish.

Last weekend, my Priestess sister and I went on a pilgrimage to the Goddess Temple of Orange County. During our journey, we went very fast for the first few hours and then when we arrived in Los Angeles, time stopped. Every time we looked at the GPS Estimated Arrival Time, we were always 30 minutes away. Yes! We were 30 minutes away for about 2 hours... During this experience, I couldn't help but think all those times when we have been dealing with a situation that seems to go nowhere and we are stucked in the never ending 30 minute period. No matter what we do, we are always at the same point. This may be in a different situation, in a different place, with different people but stuck in the same minute 30 and we seem to move nowhere. During those moments, we are like the Hangman Card in the Tarot. We have to surrender with the hope that we will achieve illumination during those periods of stagnation and lack of movement. How many times have you felt you were stuck in a situation and you were going nowhere? Did that situation make you feel you were moving further away from your destination? Was it just a rock in the path? My sister and I made it to Los Angeles and had a wonderful time there. We surrender to the never ending 30 minutes and reached our destination.

When you feel stuck or stagnant, just breath, relax and let it pass you by. In the end, if you keep your focus in mind, you will reach the destination. Perseverance and patience are a requirement.

Many blessings )0(

Lady Carolina