Saturday, July 31, 2010

Better to have trusted and got hurt than never to trust at all

There is a saying that says "better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" and somehow this has been my lesson for this week. It does not have to do with love but it does have to do with trust. Many times in my life, I have felt that I could not trust anybody, that it was not safe to trust in other people because every time I did, they would hurt me in some way leaving me with a sense of disappointment, upset feelings, and anger.

This week, the story repeated again, and somehow the wound reopen presenting an opportunity for healing. As I usually say, if a person does not learn the lesson, the lesson will repeat itself again and again, in different people, different places, different situations until the person learns what he or she needs to learn and can move to the next lesson. Trust has always been one of my big life lessons. It is hard to trust when life is unpredictable, when your mother is bipolar, when you don't know what is going to happen next. Life has thought me that it is not safe for me to trust because when I trust, things go wrong. Although I've been working on this lesson for years now, trying to trust the unknown and knowing that Goddess will not put anything in my way I can not handle, the lesson presented itself again. This time, the lesson was presented by a person who I considered my dearest friend, my sister, and my teacher. She was a person I trusted completely and allowed myself to open up. Life, once again, showing me that sometimes it is not safe to trust. Not only this person cut me off her life without warning, but when I approached her with questions as of what I did wrong... she responded in a way that showed me her true colors... and life always gets interesting since she decided to share my responses with other people calling me clueless... yes ... better to be clueless than arrogant and egocentric... I take clueless a hundred times and ignorance is a bliss! It's sad to see how people who call themselves Priestesses, who talk about sisterhood, who preach about not hurting other sisters can behave that way. It's all about "do what I say and not what I do". I was definitely angry, I was definitely hurt, but now I know it is not about me and I will not take this personally since it is her lesson. We all choose our actions and we have to stand by them. Take ownership for the path we take and not blame others for our unresolved feelings, our anger issues, and our frustrations. I have learned a lot from this person and she has pointed me in the direction I want to go, and for that, I will be always grateful. Now it is time to move on and let go of the feelings of anger and disappointment because even though I was hurt I think it was better to have trusted and got hurt than never to trust at all... I am ready for the next lesson :)

Blessings )0(

Monday, July 26, 2010

As high as you go, as low as you fall

Intensity is the word that defines how I live my life. I choose to live fully, with passion, with heart, and with feeling. Living my life this way is not easy for me or others. Some people are not able to handle my intensity since I am passionate about my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, among other things. This intensity is often confused with a burning fire that transforms people around it. I can not be fake, I can not be shallow, I can not be plastic. Those are definitely words that don't define me. Instead, many times, I feel like an outcast, a weird person, or a wacko. It is often found that people fear what they can not understand or falls far from the tree that is considered "normal" and normal is such a subjective thing. What is normal for one may not be normal for another person but I know I usually fall in the "Aby" category as the Young Frankestein movie says... I am aby - abynormal... because I don't fit the mold, I am not within the parameters, I am not shaped into what patriarchy says a woman should be.

Like Jack Kerouac said "Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently... they push the human race forward... because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones that do." I know I am a round peg in the square hole and I do believe that it only takes one person, one idea, to change the world. In the past, I have changed myself to be accepted, to be loved, to be ok for what society said it was normal. Those days are long gone and I am proud to be who I am and I will not change myself to fit in. Unfortunately, that means some people in my life are dropping off and the way I see it is that the people that are meant to be in my life will be, and those who drop off are meant to go away. They already fulfilled their mission in my life and now it is time to move on. I can not be changing myself to keep people around me. On the contrary, I am the way I am and it is ok not to be liked by everyone, not to be everything for everyone.

Life is always in harmony with its ups and downs. This year, there have been some amazing ups such as working with Lady Olivia translating the Fellowship of Isis liturgy, creating Circulo de Isis, ordaining a Priestess, teaching and delving into my Priestess self fully. As there are ups, there are also downs such as getting my car broken into, getting sick more often than normal, getting scammed.... Life is balance. Like a pendulum swinging from one side to the other, there is good, there is bad, and there is neutral. The higher you go, the lower you fall.

Blessings )0(

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Head vs. Heart - the endless battle

When we live in our heads, we lose track of what we really want in our lives. We start believing that what we want is what we think we want but unfortunately, our heads are usually quite conditioned to want what society wants. Think about the American dream... the big house, the big car, the big job... is that really a dream? At the end of the days, will having a big house have any meaning? Will having a big car signify we have accomplished something or left our mark in the world? Sometimes, society derails us from our purposes, it tricks us with shinny things to make us think we are happy, that we are somebody but it is not about the things you have or do, it is about knowing what your higher self within you wants, what your heart wants, what you were meant to bring to this world.

Society today provides several ways to distract us. We live a life being numb by different things. Some people use food to numb feelings, some people use things to numb the pain they feel within, some people use television to drug themselves into not thinking, some people overwork, some people do too much keeping themselves so busy they don't even have a minute to breath... what are we afraid of? What is so scary we need to find ways to cope? Are we afraid of being who we are meant to be? Are we afraid to be original or different from the rest? Like Lady Olivia said "Be original: because that what is original in you expresses Deity." It is not about being all the same, wanting the same things that they try to sell us we want. It is about being unique and working together for a better world. If we let our fears go and express our uniqueness, I am sure the world would be so different filled with people who are not afraid to push the boundaries, to live from the heart, to go for what they really want and not for what society says they want.

The industrial revolution and some world religions have made it easy for people to believe we are machines and we have no feelings or feelings are negative; that our bodies are just a medium to move us around but nothing else. We should live our lives without feeling in order to be happy or if we feel, we should cope by getting busier or buying something. We are becoming detached of our bodies and those bodies are our connection to the Mother. No wonder why our Earth is so neglected! We neglect our bodies and those are a reflection of the bigger picture. If we can not take care of our bodies as our temples, how would we care about the Earth as our home? If we start peeling the layers that patriarchy has put on us we will find the core. Let go of the programming, let go of the conditioning, let go of the fear of being different, let go of the busyness, let go of the rules and mandates, let go of all those things that prevent you from being who you are meant to be. Those things that block your uniqueness, those things that prevent you from connecting with the Mother and see that you are just a reflection of Her, you are the microcosm into the macrocosm. As above, so below, as within so without. It all starts with one person. It is time to live from our hearts not our heads and this may be an endless battle.

Blessings )0(

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Tending the Roots

Since I got back from Buenos Aires, life has been wild... Different people have placed some huge mirrors in front of me for me to address some of the issues that I am facing in my life. There are always questions surrounding us... is this right or is this wrong? Is this the right direction to go? Is this what I am meant to be doing? Is this person really meaning what I am reading? Is this my issue or is this the other person's issue? While evaluating the options in my life, I couldn't help but also take a trip to the past and see where I come from, what brought me to this point in time, what actions are a direct consequence of the actions I took in the past. It is hard to look at our lives with objective eyes and take full ownership of what is going on but like Sun Tzu said in "The Art of War"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself, but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." When I look at this phrase, even though I am not into war, I can see the metaphor that plays in my life. Most of the time I am my worst enemy and I need to know my demons in order to be able to win the battles I face daily. Knowing yourself does not involve knowing only your strengths but it also has to do with knowing your weaknesses who become your enemies if you let them. The other day I was talking to a very good friend of mine and I was telling him that I was seeing myself as a tree with big roots that helped me stand strong and be able to branch out. Many times people take the things that happened in the past as being a victim or using them to manipulate others or feel sorry for themselves. In my case, I see the past as the reason why I am like I am today. I know I don't regret anything that has happened in my life because it brought me to this point in time. The painful memories from the past are just part of those roots that are holding me together, that allow me to continue growing, to continue evolving, to take the past and transform it for a better future. Knowing the past is part of knowing yourself. Knowing the pain you have suffered helps you confront your demons and call them out when they pop their heads in your life time after time and the more you name them, the more you let them go and they will slowly disappear. I am grateful for all those bad moments I had in my past because they made me strong, they made powerful, they made me who I am. I tend those roots with care because I know they are the ones allowing me to stand tall and fearless.

Blessings )0(

Sunday, July 11, 2010

When pressure starts building....

How many times can we say "when it rains it pours" without sounding dramatic? It's interesting how when one thing takes place in our lives, the next happens, and like the trickle effect all the pieces in the domino start falling down until everything is chaos and you need to start rebuilding. Those are the times when you need support and those are also the moments when you find yourself all alone. At least, that's my case this week. I landed in San Francisco on 4th of July and I did not remember how much it took for me to adjust to the new weather and schedule. All week, I kept waking up at 4 AM and wanting to go to bed at 7 PM, I had a hard time concentrating as I felt tired all the time and very vulnerable, I did not want to do anything and I definitely did not feel like being in front of the computer. This week, I also found out that I will be going to North Carolina in September during my birthday week for work. This is a great opportunity but it will also be the first time in my life that I found myself all alone on my birthday in a place I've never been before. This is another lesson for 2010, being alone and surviving, being alone and growing stronger, being alone and becoming the woman I was born to be. This piece of news meant I had to talk to my dad and tell him he needs to come later in the month as I will not be home for my birthday and he has been coming to spend my birthday with me for the past two years. Needless to say there was a bittersweet sound in his voice when I told him about the trip and the fact that his trip coming over here had to be postponed for a few days. Luckily, he understood and did not feel like he did not want to come after all. This was one of my fears since he is such a Capricorn! Stubborn and things have to be his way, he does not take change very well either and this was definitely a change.

This week, I also had to face my fears in a very interesting way. First, we had to evacuate the building I work in and this was the first time that we had the police coming to get us out, this was not a drill, this was real, and it was scary. I think those are the times when you see how people will react in a real emergency and how you need to keep your cool and not react dramatically because your emotions are met with other people's emotions and then things may get out of control. I was able to keep my cool but I was exhausted after that event. It seems that since I was in Argentina, there is a constant feeling that I am not safe... this event brought that back up for me to put it on the table and find out why I don't feel safe and try to find a way to feel safe again. Second, I was talking to my father and he mentioned that he went to the cardiologist and he has a small problem with his heart. He could not describe what it was but it definitely brought my fears up about losing another parent... this is a good place to be in because I am still processing and grieving my mom's death and now my dad has a heart condition and those are hard to control. His father died from a heart attack and there is a history of heart conditions in the family including my heart condition. I know that this situation has made me a little paranoid and woke up the fears that were lying tight within myself about losing a loved one.

To add to the fears, exhaustion, and anxiety, this week has not been a good week in my relationships and I have felt like I did not get any support from the people that are very near to me, instead, I got some support from people I did not expect to get any support. It is funny how life is, and like I said before, the lesson for this year continues to be facing life alone and being able to continue being on my feet, standing tall, and facing whatever life throws at me. The lesson is to not depend on anyone but know that Goddess is always with me and she will not put anything on my way that I can not handle on my own. When the pressure starts building, I just let myself go with the flow and see where the water will take me.


Friday, July 9, 2010

The Great Mother is Calling Us

With the coming Solar Eclipse in Cancer taking place next Sunday, July 11, we are tuned with the energies of change, the energies of transformation, the energies that are asking us to look after the Great Mother, to pay attention to Her Calling, and to start noticing what our bodies are telling us. The Hermetic Axiom says "As above, so below. As within, so without." This Axiom is a reflection of what happens to us in today's world. People do not pay attention to their bodies, they eat unhealthy food, they work crazy hours, they spend more time sitting down that leading an active life, they go into surgery just to look young or be thinner... these are just some examples that come to my mind when I think about how people treat their bodies today. It seems that we live in the era of plastic things and instant gratification. We look for gratification in food, in things, in everything that is outside ourselves without noticing that happiness is an inside job. No matter how many surgeries you get or how many things you buy, if you don't like yourself as you are, there is nothing in this world that can make you beautiful. Our relationship with ourselves is just a reflection of how we treat our Mother Earth. We just pollute it as we pollute our bodies with unhealthy food. We trash it as we trash our places. We contaminate it as we contaminate ourselves smoking or drinking.... we are a reflection of our Mother and She is begging us to wake up, to take the initiative to go back to ground zero and start again. To make better choices and start to pay attention to what our bodies say. Our bodies are wise, they know what we need. I have noticed that since I have started paying attention to my cycles and changes, I am able to notice different things in my body, I am craving the foods that my body needs for vitamins or minerals. I am listening to my body when it says rest by not pushing myself to do much or taking a nap. The wisdom is already inside us, we just need to pay attention to it. Not numb ourselves with things, with food, with watching television, with drugs, with caffeine, or anything else that will make us dull, that with make us not feel. Feelings are our guides, they tells us whether we are on the right track or we have got off the path.

Our civilization wants us to believe we are machines (thank you to the industrial revolution) that have no feelings, are always ready to work 24/7, make no mistakes and have no lives... well that's not how life should be. We are humans. We need sleep, we need relationships, we need food, we need to have fun, we need to live a harmonious life including family, friends, education, work, spirituality among many other things. If one area in life is predominant, then other areas fall short and there is an imbalance. When there is imbalance, there is dis-ease and we get sick. There is no wonder people are dying from heart attacks and other dis-eases that were not as present in other times when life was more balanced.

The world is out of balance when we see women are not treated the same way as men. When we see women need to become men and forget what makes them women. When they need to pretend that we are the same every day and we don't bleed or cycle. The Goddess is calling us to bring balance to this world, to bring harmony, to bring her back to the light so we can once again be whole. It only takes to change ourselves because by changing ourselves, we change our surroundings, we change our communities, we change our cities, our states, our country, our continent, and the world. One step at a time. The time to start is now! We don't have time to lose!


Monday, July 5, 2010

Reflections of the Journey

When I look back at the events that took place last week, I can only see magick. Since the time I got to the Airport in San Francisco till the time I got back to the San Francisco Airport, everything seemed to go effortlessly and with a purpose. There are several examples of synchronicity and how Isis was present with me all along. One example that comes to my mind is the fact that on the last night before my journey back, I returned to my dad's house and as we got to the sixth floor, the lights went out. It was two in the morning so I thought the lights of the corridor had gone out but then I noticed the elevator's lights went out as well. Yes, we had a black out as soon as I reached the sixth floor. The first thing I thought was "Thank you Isis for not letting me get stuck in the elevator at two in the morning" but then I started meditating on the meaning of darkness and going into the dark. This year, with my trip to Buenos Aires, I have experienced two Winter Solstices - one in the Northern Hemisphere and one in the Southern Hemisphere. Winter is the season of going within, of finding the answers to those questions that are coming up, of confronting our shadow and planting the seeds. This second winter in my life was a call to go within and verify whether I was on the right path or if I needed to change anything, what new seeds I needed to plant or needed to tend from my last Winter Solstice. Meditating on the journey since the beginning of 2010, I can see that everything is where it needs to be. I created the Circulo de Isis to bridge the knowledge about the Goddess from the English community to the Spanish community, I started translating the Fellowship of Isis Liturgy, and started paying attention to my cyclic ways of being and how the impact my life so I can live my life fully. During my trip to Buenos Aires, I realized that I want to work with women and teach so I decided to create a group for Priestesses to share and learn together. A few weeks ago, a man contacted me because he wanted to become a Priest and that made me realize that I want to train only women to become Priesesses, I feel the need to share with women and women mysteries. Like a friend of mine said, I can not be everything to everyone and this is where my focus is going. It does not mean I can not train Priests but it means I choose not to do so since my training will be focused on women and their mysteries.

When I landed in Argentina, I released the stress of having to see everyone while I was there. Instead, I replaced that need with the fact that "whoever I needed to see, I was going to see" since things will structure that way. Funny enough, that happened during my trip. I did not meet with everyone but I did meet with all the people I wanted to meet so the trip was balanced and full of harmony with times of being alone, times of meditating, times of sharing, and times of learning. It was a perfect blend of all the things I needed.

One of my goals during this trip was to find stories of the matriarchal line in my family. I wanted to learn about my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother... and so on. Luckily, I was able to collect these stories and cherish them. My dad told me some, then my Godmother told me others, and the stories were weaving together. I was also able to see pictures and go on a trip to the past and rediscover my roots.

The big lesson I learned while I was in Buenos Aires was "Be Thankful of what you have." While there, I was reminded of how hard life can be, how people may be choosing between eating, or buying clothes, or paying bills. Listening to my cousins talking about the fact that they were only able to buy a pair of boots and that meant not paying the healthcare bill or having to not eat cheese because it was too expensive made me realize how lucky I am that I have a job, that I have food and I don't need to worry about whether I will have enough to pay my bills or buy clothes. It's just incredible to see how people adjust to their reality and how hard times can be over there. Overall, it was a great trip and I know some of the lessons I learned there will stay with me forever. Today, I am grateful for who I am and what I have and the opportunity to live in a land where I don't need to worry about the essential things in life or the fact that I will go out and get robbed or killed while going to work.

Blessings )0(