Sunday, July 11, 2010

When pressure starts building....

How many times can we say "when it rains it pours" without sounding dramatic? It's interesting how when one thing takes place in our lives, the next happens, and like the trickle effect all the pieces in the domino start falling down until everything is chaos and you need to start rebuilding. Those are the times when you need support and those are also the moments when you find yourself all alone. At least, that's my case this week. I landed in San Francisco on 4th of July and I did not remember how much it took for me to adjust to the new weather and schedule. All week, I kept waking up at 4 AM and wanting to go to bed at 7 PM, I had a hard time concentrating as I felt tired all the time and very vulnerable, I did not want to do anything and I definitely did not feel like being in front of the computer. This week, I also found out that I will be going to North Carolina in September during my birthday week for work. This is a great opportunity but it will also be the first time in my life that I found myself all alone on my birthday in a place I've never been before. This is another lesson for 2010, being alone and surviving, being alone and growing stronger, being alone and becoming the woman I was born to be. This piece of news meant I had to talk to my dad and tell him he needs to come later in the month as I will not be home for my birthday and he has been coming to spend my birthday with me for the past two years. Needless to say there was a bittersweet sound in his voice when I told him about the trip and the fact that his trip coming over here had to be postponed for a few days. Luckily, he understood and did not feel like he did not want to come after all. This was one of my fears since he is such a Capricorn! Stubborn and things have to be his way, he does not take change very well either and this was definitely a change.

This week, I also had to face my fears in a very interesting way. First, we had to evacuate the building I work in and this was the first time that we had the police coming to get us out, this was not a drill, this was real, and it was scary. I think those are the times when you see how people will react in a real emergency and how you need to keep your cool and not react dramatically because your emotions are met with other people's emotions and then things may get out of control. I was able to keep my cool but I was exhausted after that event. It seems that since I was in Argentina, there is a constant feeling that I am not safe... this event brought that back up for me to put it on the table and find out why I don't feel safe and try to find a way to feel safe again. Second, I was talking to my father and he mentioned that he went to the cardiologist and he has a small problem with his heart. He could not describe what it was but it definitely brought my fears up about losing another parent... this is a good place to be in because I am still processing and grieving my mom's death and now my dad has a heart condition and those are hard to control. His father died from a heart attack and there is a history of heart conditions in the family including my heart condition. I know that this situation has made me a little paranoid and woke up the fears that were lying tight within myself about losing a loved one.

To add to the fears, exhaustion, and anxiety, this week has not been a good week in my relationships and I have felt like I did not get any support from the people that are very near to me, instead, I got some support from people I did not expect to get any support. It is funny how life is, and like I said before, the lesson for this year continues to be facing life alone and being able to continue being on my feet, standing tall, and facing whatever life throws at me. The lesson is to not depend on anyone but know that Goddess is always with me and she will not put anything on my way that I can not handle on my own. When the pressure starts building, I just let myself go with the flow and see where the water will take me.


No comments:

Post a Comment