Overflowing with Emotion

On Tuesday morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom as I usually do. When I pushed the button to flash the toilet, I could see the water raising. I was half asleep and half awake but it seemed that the water was not stopping. As the toilet started overflowing, I moved the flowers I have on top and try to stop the flow. When it did not stop, I decided to close the faucet that connects with the toilet so the water would not continue to flow. As I run up the stairs to get towels to stop the water that was about to reach the kitchen I told my husband in a very hysterical voice... "the toilet is overflowing!!!" I cleaned everything and put the towels in the washing machine to wash them. I got down, made some coffee and started to relax. As I drink a few sips I started hearing the pipes going... it did sound like the washing machine but closer, much closer. I looked up and I see the kitchen sink overflowing with foam... yep the washing machine was draining in the kitchen sink... If you know my house, the washing machine is in the top floor. Once again, running up the stairs and turning off the washing machine... screaming to my husband who was on vacation and still sleeping "honey, the kitchen is overflowing!!!" I got to work super stressed out and I definitely did not need caffeine after the adrenaline pump from having a toilet overflowing when I was half asleep.

By mid-morning, my husband called me to let me know that the problem was not isolated to our apartment only but the whole building had no water and that the roots of the trees were clogging the pipes so the water was overflowing and they had to cut it. When I heard this explanation, the light bulb went on and I thought... yes, this is it. When we let emotions build up and grow within, there will be a time when something triggers the flow and then we are not able to stop it. The roots grow too big, too deep and then the only way to release is to just overflow. Have you ever got to the point when you say this is enough?

My emotions have been very volatile lately and a character that I have come to call the psycho bitch usually comes out. She is angry, she gets upset quickly, she goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. She is the one that has 0 patience and really gets irritated with small things and big things and even medium things. When I saw the toilet and sink overflowing, I couldn't help but feel identified with the situation since at times I feel I've been dormant for a while and now all those emotions that were below the surface are coming up and playing havoc with me. When we overflow with emotion, it is time to look within, find those roots and clean them up so the flow can be restored and no more crap comes up. Sometimes the physical is just a manifestation of what's brewing within. The hermetic axiom says "as above so below, as within so without." It's up to us to discover the lessons that are taking place outside but they are just a mirror of what is going on inside.

Blessings )0(

Time to start again...

When everything collapses and is lost, there is nothing else to do but to turn the page and start again. We could dwell on it, we could feel like we are the victims of some kind of conspiracy, blame others for what's happening, or we could take ownership on what we've done in the past, evaluate and set a new course. Last week, as I was looking for some materials I translated last year, I noticed that Facebook deleted all my postings when they updated my group so most of the material was lost. I was very upset at that time but I remember I had a forum that I had opened as a back up so I tried to get into this forum and as I clicked on the page to access it, I got this message "This Forum is no longer available due to inactivity." At that point, I was very frustrated because my back up had fallen apart because I had not paid attention to it. My first reaction was to be mad because nobody told me that they were going to delete the work I have done and spent hours doing. I wanted to scream at somebody and let that frustration go somewhere but then I realized reality - I had not been present in my group or Forum and maybe this was an opportunity to start again. Like a plant that dies if it is not watered or a relationship that ends when it is not tendered, my work had disappeared giving me an opportunity to re-evaluate and think whether I wanted to continue with this work or not. Goddess sometimes puts some tests in our way to see how committed we are to what we promised, to see if we are for real, to see if our word is worth something. I felt this was one of my tests since I felt that I put on a lot of hours of work and now everything was lost - I even had a back up plan and that didn't work; but I know like the Tower in the Tarot Cards, when lightning strikes, we just have to take it, destroy and create space for the new. I had not paid attention to my group, I did not check the Forum for months so it was only fair for it to disappear.

The same happens with relationships. Sometimes we take things for granted and forget that relationships take work, that nothing is there forever if we don't tender it, if we don't dedicate time, if we don't pay attention, the same thing that happened to my Forum can take place, you wake up one day and the person is gone.

Everything in life takes dedication, time and caring. I have learned my lesson. I was asleep and now I have woken up. It is time to start again...

Blessings )0(

Better laugh than cry....

Some people say when it rains, it pours and I can agree with that at times. Last week was one of those weeks when everything was going the wrong direction and I felt myself sinking as the week went by. We could say the final eclipse that took place on July 1st really brought me down. As I fell with a 100 fever and a horrible cold, I couldn't help but feel miserable. Being sick is horrible, but being sick during the summer is even worse! But the story does not end up there, being sick in the summer with a pregnant boss is off the charts. As I felt better on Wednesday, I decided to go back to work because I couldn't afford spending my days off sick but as soon as I got there I was asked "did you go to the doctor?" and my answer was ... no. This response was followed by the question "are you contagious?" again, the answer was "I don't know." As I became a high risk and felt like I needed to be quarantine, I left work and came to work from home. Now I had to go see a doctor to certify I was not contagious so I could go back to the office.

I was already down after feeling I was sick and a liability when I got to the doctor's office. As I got there, the routine is always the same - temperature, blood pressure and weight. I looked around for the scale as the nurse guided me when I get to a wall that has a huge metal platform parallel to the wall. As she lowered the platform, I realized this was like a biggest loser scale for people who weight 500 pounds. As I stepped on the scale, I could hear the bip, bip, bip in my head and the voice saying "Carolina your new weight is.... you have put on 12 pounds since your last weight in."

My self-esteem was taking a hit and that was not the end of it. As the week continued, my boss told me that she was sending me to the New Employee On-boarding class (NEO for short). You may be thinking that is a great opportunity to further education and receive more training but having a New Employee Training after working for a company for 6 years in two different departments sounded sort of crazy. Not to mention the amount of joking I received since many people know me and they were as amazed as I was that I was attending this training. My response ranged from they finally made it official... to I am not an illegal alien anymore!!

As my confidence was going in a downward spiral, reality hit me on the head and I wonder why I was letting outside situations or people to determine how I felt about myself. Why would I let others determine my own value? Can other people really know how much I am worth or is it up to me to decide? Can I feel enough on my own right and not look for validation in others? Validation is like a double edge sword because on one side it can boost our ego but on the other, we become dependent on it and forget that we don't need anybody to tell us how wonderful we are, how great of a work we do, or anything for that matter. We are valuable just for who we are - unique individuals that have something special to offer to this world, whatever that something is. Don't look for validation! Don't let outside situations make you feel bad! You are your own compass and your own judge, just live from the heart and love yourself as you want others to love you and everything will be fine.

Blessings )0(