Last Thursday, I had to go pick up my dad to the airport. I hadn't been in SFO since last year and little did I know, I was up for a surprise. As I was getting to the airport, I took the wrong turn and got off one exit before I was supposed to. As I was turning around and looking at the clock, I noticed I only had a few minutes to park the car and find the gate. I got to the parking lot and started going around to find a place to park, I went around a few times and I could not find the American Airlines name on any of the column and most of the place was full so I decided to park where I used to park in the past. Nobody would think that everything has changed since the last time!!! When I got to the terminals, everything was new. I could not find American Airlines. I started walking fast concerned that my dad would be worried that nothing looked the same. I run for almost 20 minutes until I found the gate. I was so stressed out. I never felt that lost before and I could feel my anxiety level raising as I feared I would not find my way. I got to the gate 1 minute before my dad got out. Thank Goddess!! While we were walking to take the air train, my dad kept saying how everything looked different and how he was concerned we would not find each other. As I got on the train, I realized I was on the wrong line so we got off and took the other one. We got off the train on the wrong terminal so we had to get back on again. By then we have been going around in circles for almost one hour. It seemed like I could not find my way, I was lost and filled with anxiety. Now it was not only me lost, but my dad was following. I found the car after all and we started our way home but by then, I was exhausted after running around and feeling completely lost. I started wondering why it felt like Mercury was retrograde when it was not. Why I felt so hopeless and lost. Is that how I am feeling now? There are times when I feel lost and I am not sure where I am going. In the past, I was always convinced that I wanted to be a career woman but now that I look at my career, I realize that I don't feel I am a career woman and I am not a mother so the question becomes who I am and where I am going.
Three weeks ago, I saw a praying mantis for the first time in my life. I was swimming in the pool and this insect was swimming towards me. It looked scary and ugly. A week later, I saw another one while doing a BBQ with some friend. Last but not least, I was walking one evening and one flew by me. After seeing this insect three times in a period or three weeks. I realized that there was some kind of meaning to this event since I've never seen the insect before. When I started reading about this insect and it's symbolism, I found the following:
The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.
When I read these phrases, I couldn't help but think how busy I have kept myself lately and how it may be time to find my stillness and balance. I need to sit in the silence, avoid the busyness, and try to calm down so I can see things clearly so I don't get lost.
When I read about being 100% positive that a decision is right before moving, I thought about how at times we may get paralized because we think we may make a mistake and we don't act. Sometimes, we have to jump. Sometimes, we have to take a risk. It is good to evaluate a decision but in the end, sometimes we may just go round and round and get lost in the middle. Have you ever taken too long to decide and then the thing you wanted was gone? Was it worth to wait and think and evaluate to lose everything in the end? It is up to us to find our stillness and make sure we evaluate our options, but in the end, sometimes we just need to take a risk and jump.
Lately, I feel reality matches what's inside....