What is to be Self-ish? Many people associate the word selfish with the word egocentric but they are two different words and they have two different qualities. Selfish as defined by the American Heritage Desk Dictionary as "Concerned only with oneself." while egocentric is described as "Interested only in one´s own needs or affairs, self centered."
When you get on a plane, the first thing the flight attendant says is to make sure that in the case of an emergency, you need to put your mask first and then help others. In the past, I have helped others first before putting on my air mask and then I was running tired, burned, angry and resented. This year, I decided that it was time for me to start being a little self-ish and putting my mask first. Yes, you read right... I am purposefully choosing to be self-ish as really concerned only with myself because if I am not ok, then nothing will be in my universe. It begins inside and from the inside transpire to the outside touching everyone in multiple ripple effects in several dimensions.
When I was a child, I always put my mother´s needs first as she was sick and needed care. When I moved to the USA, I put my husband´s needs first, then my friends´needs first. There was always somebody that came first and I would push myself to do things that I really did not feel like doing just not to disappoint anyone or cause trouble. Some people called me co-dependent, other did not say anything but they just took what I gave unconditionally until I realize that life is about giving and receiving and if we only give, we will dry out and have no energy to give anymore (Thank you Ava Park for the Queen Teachings!). Relationships are about "mutual and reciprocal care." It is not one way. It is not about one person´s needs being the only needs valid.
Today, I had an eye opening experience after several clarity moments in the past two weeks when a person just picked up a plate and did not even think about picking a plate for me. I was blown away... but then I realiezed how many times I have been treated that way, as my needs don´t exist, as I don´t exist. I am just there to serve, to clean, to mother, to meet others´needs.
Here goes the memo to the world!!!! I am not that one anymore!!!!! As when I came to this country and the lady at the social security office told me "SIGN YOUR NEW NAME, YOU ARE NOT THAT ONE ANYMORE" I am telling the universe today I am not that one anymore. I am the person that puts myself first and makes sure that if I don´t feel like doing something, I don´t do it. If I don´t feel like talking, I don´t talk. If I don´t feel like party, I don´t party. I am just following my internal voice that tells me what I need at the now moment and I go with that. I have already lost a few relationships due to this change but if it is the price I have to pay, let be it! I prefer the people that are around me to accept me as I am and not that are around because of what I do or give to them.
Did you say Self-ish?....... Yes! I am guilty of charge! I am putting my mask first and then the rest. Take it or leave it! Your call! You know what my call is...
Lady Carolina Amor
Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja