Sunday, November 27, 2016

Ready for Winter Solstice, Ready for a New Beginning

It began with the Winter Solstice of 2012 -  12/21/12. That was the last time I experienced a Winter Solstice and it was a memorable one. It was the beginning of the end. The end of my marriage, the end of the life as I knew it in the United States, and the beginning of reclaiming who I was and who I am. I had adapted to this country losing parts of myself in the process, parts that I reclaimed as I reclaimed my sovereignty. As I reclaimed my maiden name, I reclaimed myself, my roots, my authentic self. I was done with settling for less than what I deserved or looked at the other side. It was time to look at life in the eye and be reborn. This time, be reborn in my true self, the independent woman I always was, the one that did not want to be a mother to her partner but a real partner. 

Little did I know that the moment I made that decision, I was also going to get into a loop that would take me to have 7 summer solstices in a row. Like having a forever Full Moon, I was riding the wave of summer and completion for three years in a row, experiencing the peaks and the ends but not experiencing new beginnings. 2013 marked the first time that I returned home for Christmas after moving to the United States. For some reason, I had sacrificed my family to spend the holidays with my ex-husband´s family. I will always remember that trip. I found out my divorce was final when I was there and my best friend and I had a divorce party or better said, a welcome to single life party! Since then, I have been going back home every Christmas and that has become a tradition until this year. 

Some traditions are meant to be kept and others are meant to be broken. I think this tradition was based on fear of being alone for the holidays. I feared not finding myself in the United States now that I am divorced. I left everything behind following love and now that love did not exist anymore. Even though, I decided not to move back home and stay here, my new home. The holidays are portals where emotions are up in the air and we tend to feel vulnerable so my way to cope with the feelings was to go back home. 

My divorce was just the beginning of loss in my life. I had to go through grieving my grandmother, my spiritual mother and my auntie as well as several friendships that turned sour once I found myself again and I was not going to tolerate some behaviors. In the past, I may have played the role of mother and caregiver, I may have given more than my fair share in relationships but now, it´s a different story and that has left me with the people that really matter around me. They may be few but better to have a few great ones than many mediocre ones. 

This year I have also found my puppy companion - Pepa Amor. It was January 20, one week after my mom´s birthday, when I saw an ad in Craig´s list offering a Chihuahua pug for free. I asked the universe for that kind of dog and there she was. I texted Jose when I saw the ad and asked if she was still available. She was! I went to see her that same day and our first meeting was interesting as she would not take any of the treats I brought for her. I looked into her eyes and I asked the Universe, is this my puppy? I heard yes. That´s all I needed. There was no leash, no bed, not anything for her. She looked as scared as I did when we got into my car. New adventure???? We went to the pet store and got her a few essentials and that´s how our story began. Now she is my baby and my companion. She is my angel. As I write this blog, she is on my lap and never leaves my side when I am home. Every time I come home, she welcomes me with unconditional love and happiness to see me. She means the world to me so how could I leave her alone during the holidays? I am not!

2016 marks the beginning of a new tradition. The tradition of staying home for the holidays. Pepa and I will celebrate Winter Solstice together and we will set the intentions for the new beginnings for the year to come. We will witness the return of the light and we will enjoy seeing the light grow. I´ve been running from the shadows for too long and I am now ready for a new beginning, a new light and 2016 is the year for that. The year to set new beginnings because I am ready! I am ready for love! I am ready for success! I am ready to shine my light and embrace the lighthouse I am!

Love and Light,

Rev. Carolina A. Amor

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