Monday, August 19, 2013

What do you want? What do you need?

Being an Enneagram # 2, I am programmed to anticipate other people´s needs, I have an innate ability to determine what other people want and provide to them. People don´t need to worry about what they want or need when they are around me because I am usually providing that before they even say a word. Unfortunately, that also translates in putting everyone´s needs before mine to the point that I am not sure what I want or what I need because other people become disturbances in the field that do not allow me to see clearly what I really need, what I really want.

In the past 10 years, I have gone through major life changes. I moved to the USA because I met my husband and I wanted to be with him. I packed two bags and left the rest behind to start a new life when I was just 23 years old. Three years later, my mother passed away and that was also a major life change. My mother and I were very close. My dad is a captain of a ship and he was away most of the time so my mother and I were just one. When she passed away, I did not have the tools to sit down and grieve her passing. What did I do? I just got myself extremely busy and numb so I could not feel. Looking back at that moment, I know that was the only strategy I had at the time and it was the best I could do. Now, I am here again, at the threshold of another big transformation in my life and the option is sit with it and peel this onion so we can get to the core, clean and clear, and then move on having created space for the new or get busy again. Many friends say... you gotta get busy! Have a plan for every day! Go out!!! I say NO! This is it. Three times a charm! This is the time to evolve and grow. It may take crying like a baby for days. It may take laughing as a crazy person for days. I am sure it will be a ride but I am ready to be in my hermit space and deal with these emotions. I am where I was 10 years ago. This is a big reset. This is a big transformation and I am ready to sit with the grieving and really look at the root of all these feelings so I can understand and not repeat it again. Being numb doesn´t get you anywhere. Distracting yourself with outside activities does not do any good either. All you do is deny reality and it´s time to see reality and work on it. I am a Priestess and I´ve done a lot of personal work to know that denial will only bring more of what I am experiencing now. If you don´t learn the lesson, it will repeat itself! Different people, different places, different situations but the same lesson. It is time to go down the rabbit hole and see how deep can we go because after that, I know I will find wonderland.

Today, I was asked the question "What do you want? What do you need?" and I was like a deer in the headlights.... I did not know what to respond. I have spent most of my life caring for others, being there for them, anticipating their needs, living their stories.... I have lost my compass.... I lost my center and now I am awake and I see I have become too cluttered, too emotional, too lost that I don´t even know what I need or want. I don´t know what real happiness looks like for me. I know I can manifest my destiny but if I don´t know what I want, how could I manifest it? It takes direction and focus to be able to manifest our reality and I think I have just been manifesting realities for others because their needs have come first. It´s time to find my center, it´s time to peel that onion. I know my career is not my problem but I have definitely been covering other areas by worrying about my career. I did that when my mother passed away and just focussed on climbing that ladder... it´s easier to climb the ladder than sitting in the pain of loss and grief. I can´t do the same now. It´s time to delve into those emotions and as the year moves into the dark part... I, myself,  move into a deeper space of observation and working on the issues that have cluttered my space to the point that I don´t even know what I want or need. It´s time to live my life in an authentic way and put Carolina first. It´s time to find my center.

What do you want? What do you need?

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja

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