Today, my counselor asked me what I did this weekend to relax and I found myself responding... I went biking, then had pedicures and manicures, then a massage, then I fix the closet... or like we would call it "el placard." When I got to this part, she gave me an interesting look and I could sort of read her mind... yes, I am putting things in order and organizing the closet. The closet may be a nice metaphor of life as we have so many things there that we don´t even know. Taking everything out of the closet allowed me to visualize how at times it is hard for me to let go of things even when they don´t fit me anymore or they are old, they have holes, they look ugly but I still keep them!!! I even had some dresses from when I lived in Argentina and I was lets say... 50 pounds lighter.... Yeah, there is the unrealistic hope that one day I´ll fit in those again... mmmm. Yes, I needed to fix that closet and make room for new things in life and also I am organizing the ones I have so in my chaos of life I find some order and peace.
Like organizing my closet, today´s session took me to a trip to the past. I found myself telling her about the first year in the USA and how horrible it had been. It was so hard to get used to this new place. Having lost my independence, my career, my family, my friends, my language.... the list goes on! It is not strange that I ate my way to survival during that first year and I put so many pounds on. It is also not strange that I did not get concerned with health and being whole as I felt I was just a visitor of this land. This land was not home. A year passed and it finally dawn on me that this was to be home now and I should make better choices if I was to survived as my body could not take the American way of eating (no offense to anyone but not growing up in this country made my metabolism go into shock with the foods I was eating - not best choices either).
We continued the journey into the past and I found myself telling her stories of my mother, of her illness, of the instability and insecurity I felt in my house as a child. I did not have the tools to cope at that time as I did not have the tools to cope with my moving to a different country ten years ago. I think I can agree with Ava Park when she said Love is not all you need. You need more than love to survive and I needed more than a husband to feel home in this land because I had lost so much but at the same time, I traded some of the miseries from the past for this new adventure because I did feel I needed to go far far away and find my place in the world as there was no space for me in my homeland.
I continued telling her the stories of my grandparents and my parents and in those stories I could see parts of my own personal story. I feel my ancestors behind me teaching me as I unfold the things in the closet and look at them once again from a different perspective. I am not the woman I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago, I can look at these stories again and find new meaning because we can not forget where we come from and how we got here. We can not forget the lessons from the past or ignored them for too long. I heard myself telling my counselor that the women in my family before me did not have the opportunities I have now and I feel I am living for all of them. I am making decisions they may not have made due to fear or tribal myths. I am evolving in my blood line and being an example for my family.
As I face my big transition and my family asks why I don´t go back home, I say "USA is my home now, I have found my peace here and I feel safe even if I am alone." Fixing the closet was more than a physical act, it is my unconscious putting things in order, organizing, evaluating, meditating and setting course for the next adventure. Life is a mystery and I am getting ready for the next part of my journey.
Lady Carolina Amor
Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja