Sunday, March 30, 2014

Expecting pears out of the elm tree

As I find myself in my island, I feel like in the movie cast away where the main character is talking to the coconut called Wilson... I talk to my teddy owl named Kukoo II (yep, Kukoo I stayed in Buenos Aires last December as he became international and my father claimed him as his protection totem!). He has become my companion for the past two months since I started living alone. He is the one that is always there looking at me with his big round eyes and saying like my mother used to say "no esperes peras del olmo, Caro" (or something like don´t expect to get pears out of the elm tree). He is also saying "you are alone but not lonely and alone time is not that bad. Don´t compromise in situations or relationships that are less than perfect out of fear of being alone. You are amazing with all your shadows and light and relationships should be mutual and reciprocal."

When I decided to end my marriage, I did it out of the realization that relationships should be mutual and reciprocal and not out of routine and fear of loneliness. In my heart, I knew that even when we were not fighting or arguing continuously, we were also not having a relationship. I also knew that separating would be the best decision for the both of us so we each can find a more fulfilling life and a relationship that could be more enriching than the one we were having. I know that my ancestors would have frown upon my decision because we definitely have the tribal belief that marriage is forever and even in the 21st Century, there is still the stigma of divorce. I also know that I am healing some karma from my family tree as I am sure some of the women in the family may have wanted to get a divorce but were too scared about breaking the traditions and really embracing the fact that they deserved to be happy and fulfilled and not be tied in an unhappy home dynamic out of fear of being kicked out of the tribe. It took courage to look at the situation and make such a drastic decision but I knew I could not change the person he was or ask for something he was not able to give me because I would be expecting pears out of the elm tree. He could not give me pears so I had to set him free.

I have also seen this dynamic played in other relationships in my life where I am finding myself expecting things from other people that they are not able to give me. The other day I was in my counseling session when the counselor asked me "do you think this person can give you what you want or need?" and I found myself responding no. Reality is that we set expectations on others and if they don´t fulfill them, we are hurt and disappointed but it is only the fact that they failed to meet our expectation what makes us sad. It´s up to us to realize whether the container we have set for that person as a friend is the container they can fit. Are you trying to put a square stick into a round whole? It will not fit no matter how much force you exert on it. In those moments, you need to realize that the only thing left to do is bless that relationship and let go even when it is painful.

The other day I was listening to the song "Let it go" by Demi Lovato and the words really resonating with me:

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.

Standing frozen
In the life I've chosen.
You won't find me.
The past is all behind me
Buried in the snow.

Let it go, let it go!

As I listened to those lyrics, I felt as if they were talking to me. I know I have faced many of my fears in the past year and I´ve come out the other way. I am still standing and strong. I have also realized that things have to change in my life and a major clean up and redesign was due. As I keep searching within, I know more things will need to go as they don´t vibrate at the same level I am vibrating now and they will have no place in my new life. I also know that I will stop expecting to get pears out of the elm tree. I may get amazing shade from the elm tree but I will not get pears so if shade is what I need at the time, those things may stay, but if I need a pear, I will not settle for less.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
Member of the Archdruid Union
Founder of Tienda Roja

1 comment:

  1. That song must have struck people of all ages. Most people have a hard time letting go, and sometimes even society frowns upon you for doing so. Your counselor was right: if the person can't provide your wants and needs and remain distant for the most part, then looking for reasons for the relationship to continue would be hard. I hope your counseling sessions help further, and that relieves some of your problems. Take care!

    Brandi Kennedy @ Restoration Counseling