In my life, I have experienced this situation many times. My mother and I had a very strong bond and I do know when I came to live to the United States, she must have felt incomplete, like a part of her has left her. I know she was very happy for me but deep inside she was grieving my departure. The same has happend to me with many relationships where I have given all, and then the person just left or went away. Those are the times when I start wondering if it was worth losing myself in the other because in losing myself I stopped being myself and I became something totally different. The question also becomes whether we can be in a relationship with another person and not lose sight of who we are, not lose our individuality and our uniqueness? Is that possible? Is it possible to feel the full fusion when we are still two independent individuals? I remember when I was 15 years old, my dad told me "Querida, tu tienes la tendencia a engancharte con una persona sola y olvidarte de los demas, no puedes poner todos tus huevos en la misma canasta o te vas a quedar sola" (Darling, you have a tendency to bond with one person and forget about the rest, you can not put all your eggs in the same basket or you will end up alone.). When I look back and I see my past, I can see he could have been right. I only had a couple of good friends and usually it was one friend at a time.... yes, all my eggs in one basket leading to loneliness when the one egg cracked and went away.
This situation can also lead us to feel like we should not be bonding or we should just withdraw our presence because it´s better to not love than be hurt by love, less painful. I remember the movie "Now and Then" when the old man tells one of the girls "Better to love and be hurt, than never love at all." Is it worth it? I think so. Love can only make us more compassionate and happy in the end. When we get to judgement day, we are not going to be asked whether we have money left, what our 401K looked like, what investments we have; we are going to be asked whether we love during this lifetime, whether we were happy, whether we did some good deeds for the good of all concerned.
Today, I was changing the tags for my registration because I´ve been procrastinating and they were due May and we are almost July and I still have not changed them. Yes, I have them in my car but I have not put them on, LOL. I am trying to get some cop to pull me over so I can play little me couldn´t put the tags by myself... Just kidding! So here I am, outside my house, with my skirt and work clothes trying to change the tabs... yes, what a picture!!!!! I think the neighbors may be wondering what I was doing with screw driver, paper towels, phone, tabs and a knife, not that I don´t look awkward enough as it is! The Witch!.... When I got the plate out, I couldn´t help but think... mmm why am I changing this? It says 2013! The world be over before that by the preconceptions of the world! Then I started meditating of what would happen if the world were to end at the end of this year (by the way, I don´t think that will happen) so I couldn´t help but wonder whether I have fulfilled all my duties in this world, have a loved fully, have I experienced happiness, have I regain my power and lead a life of purpose and mission.... I would like to think the answer would be yes but I can see many times when I stopped living for myself and started living for others. When I started overgiving and just forgetting about what I needed at the time. When I put everyone´s needs first and forgot to take a breather to recuperate. When I played wonderwoman and I thought I could do it all by myself. When I just forgot who I really was, what I wanted, what I was meant to do in this lifetime.
After the two major eclipses, a trip to Buenos Aires and a rude awakening, I am starting to become one again. I hope I don´t become scared of sharing with others but right now I just need to be one. I just need to be myself. I just need to regain the person who I was born to be and not the one that has got confused and derailed by the needs of others.
Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis