Every year, as my birthday gets closer, I start thinking about all the things that have taken place during the past year and take inventory of what I've done and what I would like to accomplish in the next year. This process helps me see whether there are patterns in my life I need to change, patterns I need to incorporate, and things I need to let go of because they no longer serve me.
While taking inventory, this year I realized that I got lost in the woods for a while. It feels like some areas of my life have become dormant or were put on the back burner while I was coping with some situations that took precedence. Looking back, I can see my spiritual path was put on stand by while my Chinese journey took off. Somehow, a part of me feels that when I commit to something, I have to give that thing 101% and everything else needs to drop off because I have to devote my full attention to that thing that has become the focus of interest. Being aware of that, I know I can get consumed by an idea, a relationship, or a thing and lose sight of the big picture. Since the last New Moon in Virgo, I started realizing that I needed to bring more balance in my life. That even though I love Chinese, I need to bring my spirituality back into my life and find a way to live a more harmonious life instead of all my energies being tied into one thing. It was as if the Goddess have come back into my life and said "Daughter, I have let you wander in the woods, get lost in the mists for a while, but it is time to come back now, it's time to wake up and get back on the path - you can't be lost forever, you have to find your way back."
In the book Tao of Womanhood, Diane Dreher says "The wisdom of Ecclesiastes tells us that there is, "a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away." I know the time has come for me to find balance. I think the scarcity mentality has led me to believe I don't have enough time to study Chinese, be a Priestess, and have a fulfilled life. Now it is time for me to realize that I can find a way to do the things I love and lead a whole and healthy life.
In her book, Diane Dreher also talks about the honorable closure and says "We don't want to be quitters, so we stay involved with unwanted commitments, dead-end jobs, or unhealthy relationships instead of moving on." Knowing when to let go and move on is a skill not many of us have developed. Many times we stick with things just because we are unable to accept the time has come to move on, that what it was great yesterday, it may not be as good today. What was perfect ten years ago may have become obsolete now. It's up to us to be able to determine where our energies are tied and whether we need to say goodbye to a person, change jobs or change a behavior because the old is not fulfilling anymore.
I think I've been lost for a while but now it's time to come back to life and back to my journey. I do feel as if I am "lost and found."
Blessings )0(
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
It's a work out!
Sometimes I meditate on different words that come up during the day or that appear in my life several times in a short period of time. Today, my word is work out. Yes - work out! I was practicing Chinese and the lady in the program said "now, it's time to do the work outs" and I couldn't help but think, how appropriate to call Chinese exercise work outs since sometimes it feels as complex and demanding as running a marathon. You have to pace yourself and practice every day, train and train, so you are able to say a few words or recognize a few characters. Once I finished studying, I went to the gym for my physical work out and I kept thinking - what is harder... running or studying Chinese? LOL, you may think I am crazy but for somebody like me who is usually filled with intellectual activities, working out is getting me out of my comfort zone. Yes! You guessed it!! If you see me at the gym, I am one of those that is running on the treadmill with a book open.
As I kept meditating about this word, I thought about the instances when we use this word to signify resolve. When we have a problem, we can work it out. When relationships are struggling, people need to work out their issues. How appropriate since solving issues takes energy, time, thought, and patience so the word is perfect.
It is said that it takes 21 days to change a habit or create a new habit. When I think about the word work out, I do think about habits and how we can create them or change them. Habits are little rituals we do everyday or regularly. If you want to change a habit, you just have to decide to change and create a new habit, then stick with it for a while until it becomes the new habit. Some habits take more than others but in the end, it only takes decision, focus and perseverance to change your life for the better and manifest what you want. Yes, it may feel like a work out, but in the end, you are the master or mistress of your own life. You can make your own destiny.
Blessings )0(
As I kept meditating about this word, I thought about the instances when we use this word to signify resolve. When we have a problem, we can work it out. When relationships are struggling, people need to work out their issues. How appropriate since solving issues takes energy, time, thought, and patience so the word is perfect.
It is said that it takes 21 days to change a habit or create a new habit. When I think about the word work out, I do think about habits and how we can create them or change them. Habits are little rituals we do everyday or regularly. If you want to change a habit, you just have to decide to change and create a new habit, then stick with it for a while until it becomes the new habit. Some habits take more than others but in the end, it only takes decision, focus and perseverance to change your life for the better and manifest what you want. Yes, it may feel like a work out, but in the end, you are the master or mistress of your own life. You can make your own destiny.
Blessings )0(
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Trust your Inner Nature
There are times when life keeps reflecting to us the same lesson and it is up to us to be able to see the lesson and try to learn it so we don't have to repeat it in the future because as I have said before, if we don't learn a lesson, it will repeat in different situations, different people, different places, but still the same lesson.
During the past few weeks, I've been reflecting on how many times I've done things because others expected me to do them but not because I really felt like doing them. How many times I said yes to things when I meant no. How many times I just put other people first instead of myself and in that just sacrificed my happiness and my spirit. A few months ago, my Chinese doctor told me that my spirit was not at peace, that I needed to let go of worry and try to relax. When he told me that, my first reaction was like... really? Then I started meditating on how my spirit was fighting different situations in my life that are bringing me stress, anxiety and sorrow. How my inner nature is fighting telling me to follow my heart while my mind and my inner critic say something different. During this month, I had several instances when I felt I should do something and I did not do it because my head intellectualized it and ended up feeling like "I should have gone with my gut feeling" type of thought. Why don't we trust our inner voice? It is easier to think our way out of things instead of focusing on our belly and seeing if it "feels right" instead of thinking it is right. Our Inner Nature knows what we are supposed to do and who we are supposed to be. It is our mind that is contaminated with society's rules, with what media says is good, successful, popular, etc. Wouldn't we be happier if we did not have the pollutions of society and structure? If we were free to be who we are supposed to be without having to comply with what our parents want, our family needs, our friends desire, just listening to our heart and follow our passion.
As I was reading The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, I came across these phrases that really resonated with me when it comes to Inner Nature:
"How can you get very far,
If you don't know Who You Are?
How can you do what you ought,
If you don't know What You've Got?
And if you don't know Which to Do
Of all the things in front of you,
Then what you'll have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know What and Which and Who."
If we just quiet our minds and listen to our Inner Nature, we can hear our inner guide telling us the what, the which and the who. Sometimes it is hard to hear it, sometimes it is painful, but in the end, it is up to us to eliminate those things that don't serve us anymore to be able to become our real us and not just the mask we wear to comply with the world.
Today is the New Moon in Virgo and the message of this moon is also connected to listening to our Inner nature. Stephanie Austin wrote "Use the dynamic energy of this New Moon to simplify your life and get back to the basics. Are you living your life in accordance with your core values? Are you in service or servitude? Your time, your energy, and talents make a difference and are needed at this point in history. Each one of us is here for a divine purpose." Do you have what you really want? Do you want what you have? Your Inner Nature knows. Just take some time, quiet the mind and listen to your heart. You'll see the answers are right there.
Blessings )0(
During the past few weeks, I've been reflecting on how many times I've done things because others expected me to do them but not because I really felt like doing them. How many times I said yes to things when I meant no. How many times I just put other people first instead of myself and in that just sacrificed my happiness and my spirit. A few months ago, my Chinese doctor told me that my spirit was not at peace, that I needed to let go of worry and try to relax. When he told me that, my first reaction was like... really? Then I started meditating on how my spirit was fighting different situations in my life that are bringing me stress, anxiety and sorrow. How my inner nature is fighting telling me to follow my heart while my mind and my inner critic say something different. During this month, I had several instances when I felt I should do something and I did not do it because my head intellectualized it and ended up feeling like "I should have gone with my gut feeling" type of thought. Why don't we trust our inner voice? It is easier to think our way out of things instead of focusing on our belly and seeing if it "feels right" instead of thinking it is right. Our Inner Nature knows what we are supposed to do and who we are supposed to be. It is our mind that is contaminated with society's rules, with what media says is good, successful, popular, etc. Wouldn't we be happier if we did not have the pollutions of society and structure? If we were free to be who we are supposed to be without having to comply with what our parents want, our family needs, our friends desire, just listening to our heart and follow our passion.
As I was reading The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, I came across these phrases that really resonated with me when it comes to Inner Nature:
"How can you get very far,
If you don't know Who You Are?
How can you do what you ought,
If you don't know What You've Got?
And if you don't know Which to Do
Of all the things in front of you,
Then what you'll have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know What and Which and Who."
If we just quiet our minds and listen to our Inner Nature, we can hear our inner guide telling us the what, the which and the who. Sometimes it is hard to hear it, sometimes it is painful, but in the end, it is up to us to eliminate those things that don't serve us anymore to be able to become our real us and not just the mask we wear to comply with the world.
Today is the New Moon in Virgo and the message of this moon is also connected to listening to our Inner nature. Stephanie Austin wrote "Use the dynamic energy of this New Moon to simplify your life and get back to the basics. Are you living your life in accordance with your core values? Are you in service or servitude? Your time, your energy, and talents make a difference and are needed at this point in history. Each one of us is here for a divine purpose." Do you have what you really want? Do you want what you have? Your Inner Nature knows. Just take some time, quiet the mind and listen to your heart. You'll see the answers are right there.
Blessings )0(
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Overflowing with Emotion
On Tuesday morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom as I usually do. When I pushed the button to flash the toilet, I could see the water raising. I was half asleep and half awake but it seemed that the water was not stopping. As the toilet started overflowing, I moved the flowers I have on top and try to stop the flow. When it did not stop, I decided to close the faucet that connects with the toilet so the water would not continue to flow. As I run up the stairs to get towels to stop the water that was about to reach the kitchen I told my husband in a very hysterical voice... "the toilet is overflowing!!!" I cleaned everything and put the towels in the washing machine to wash them. I got down, made some coffee and started to relax. As I drink a few sips I started hearing the pipes going... it did sound like the washing machine but closer, much closer. I looked up and I see the kitchen sink overflowing with foam... yep the washing machine was draining in the kitchen sink... If you know my house, the washing machine is in the top floor. Once again, running up the stairs and turning off the washing machine... screaming to my husband who was on vacation and still sleeping "honey, the kitchen is overflowing!!!" I got to work super stressed out and I definitely did not need caffeine after the adrenaline pump from having a toilet overflowing when I was half asleep.
By mid-morning, my husband called me to let me know that the problem was not isolated to our apartment only but the whole building had no water and that the roots of the trees were clogging the pipes so the water was overflowing and they had to cut it. When I heard this explanation, the light bulb went on and I thought... yes, this is it. When we let emotions build up and grow within, there will be a time when something triggers the flow and then we are not able to stop it. The roots grow too big, too deep and then the only way to release is to just overflow. Have you ever got to the point when you say this is enough?
My emotions have been very volatile lately and a character that I have come to call the psycho bitch usually comes out. She is angry, she gets upset quickly, she goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. She is the one that has 0 patience and really gets irritated with small things and big things and even medium things. When I saw the toilet and sink overflowing, I couldn't help but feel identified with the situation since at times I feel I've been dormant for a while and now all those emotions that were below the surface are coming up and playing havoc with me. When we overflow with emotion, it is time to look within, find those roots and clean them up so the flow can be restored and no more crap comes up. Sometimes the physical is just a manifestation of what's brewing within. The hermetic axiom says "as above so below, as within so without." It's up to us to discover the lessons that are taking place outside but they are just a mirror of what is going on inside.
Blessings )0(
By mid-morning, my husband called me to let me know that the problem was not isolated to our apartment only but the whole building had no water and that the roots of the trees were clogging the pipes so the water was overflowing and they had to cut it. When I heard this explanation, the light bulb went on and I thought... yes, this is it. When we let emotions build up and grow within, there will be a time when something triggers the flow and then we are not able to stop it. The roots grow too big, too deep and then the only way to release is to just overflow. Have you ever got to the point when you say this is enough?
My emotions have been very volatile lately and a character that I have come to call the psycho bitch usually comes out. She is angry, she gets upset quickly, she goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. She is the one that has 0 patience and really gets irritated with small things and big things and even medium things. When I saw the toilet and sink overflowing, I couldn't help but feel identified with the situation since at times I feel I've been dormant for a while and now all those emotions that were below the surface are coming up and playing havoc with me. When we overflow with emotion, it is time to look within, find those roots and clean them up so the flow can be restored and no more crap comes up. Sometimes the physical is just a manifestation of what's brewing within. The hermetic axiom says "as above so below, as within so without." It's up to us to discover the lessons that are taking place outside but they are just a mirror of what is going on inside.
Blessings )0(
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Time to start again...
When everything collapses and is lost, there is nothing else to do but to turn the page and start again. We could dwell on it, we could feel like we are the victims of some kind of conspiracy, blame others for what's happening, or we could take ownership on what we've done in the past, evaluate and set a new course. Last week, as I was looking for some materials I translated last year, I noticed that Facebook deleted all my postings when they updated my group so most of the material was lost. I was very upset at that time but I remember I had a forum that I had opened as a back up so I tried to get into this forum and as I clicked on the page to access it, I got this message "This Forum is no longer available due to inactivity." At that point, I was very frustrated because my back up had fallen apart because I had not paid attention to it. My first reaction was to be mad because nobody told me that they were going to delete the work I have done and spent hours doing. I wanted to scream at somebody and let that frustration go somewhere but then I realized reality - I had not been present in my group or Forum and maybe this was an opportunity to start again. Like a plant that dies if it is not watered or a relationship that ends when it is not tendered, my work had disappeared giving me an opportunity to re-evaluate and think whether I wanted to continue with this work or not. Goddess sometimes puts some tests in our way to see how committed we are to what we promised, to see if we are for real, to see if our word is worth something. I felt this was one of my tests since I felt that I put on a lot of hours of work and now everything was lost - I even had a back up plan and that didn't work; but I know like the Tower in the Tarot Cards, when lightning strikes, we just have to take it, destroy and create space for the new. I had not paid attention to my group, I did not check the Forum for months so it was only fair for it to disappear.
The same happens with relationships. Sometimes we take things for granted and forget that relationships take work, that nothing is there forever if we don't tender it, if we don't dedicate time, if we don't pay attention, the same thing that happened to my Forum can take place, you wake up one day and the person is gone.
Everything in life takes dedication, time and caring. I have learned my lesson. I was asleep and now I have woken up. It is time to start again...
Blessings )0(
The same happens with relationships. Sometimes we take things for granted and forget that relationships take work, that nothing is there forever if we don't tender it, if we don't dedicate time, if we don't pay attention, the same thing that happened to my Forum can take place, you wake up one day and the person is gone.
Everything in life takes dedication, time and caring. I have learned my lesson. I was asleep and now I have woken up. It is time to start again...
Blessings )0(
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Better laugh than cry....
Some people say when it rains, it pours and I can agree with that at times. Last week was one of those weeks when everything was going the wrong direction and I felt myself sinking as the week went by. We could say the final eclipse that took place on July 1st really brought me down. As I fell with a 100 fever and a horrible cold, I couldn't help but feel miserable. Being sick is horrible, but being sick during the summer is even worse! But the story does not end up there, being sick in the summer with a pregnant boss is off the charts. As I felt better on Wednesday, I decided to go back to work because I couldn't afford spending my days off sick but as soon as I got there I was asked "did you go to the doctor?" and my answer was ... no. This response was followed by the question "are you contagious?" again, the answer was "I don't know." As I became a high risk and felt like I needed to be quarantine, I left work and came to work from home. Now I had to go see a doctor to certify I was not contagious so I could go back to the office.
I was already down after feeling I was sick and a liability when I got to the doctor's office. As I got there, the routine is always the same - temperature, blood pressure and weight. I looked around for the scale as the nurse guided me when I get to a wall that has a huge metal platform parallel to the wall. As she lowered the platform, I realized this was like a biggest loser scale for people who weight 500 pounds. As I stepped on the scale, I could hear the bip, bip, bip in my head and the voice saying "Carolina your new weight is.... you have put on 12 pounds since your last weight in."
My self-esteem was taking a hit and that was not the end of it. As the week continued, my boss told me that she was sending me to the New Employee On-boarding class (NEO for short). You may be thinking that is a great opportunity to further education and receive more training but having a New Employee Training after working for a company for 6 years in two different departments sounded sort of crazy. Not to mention the amount of joking I received since many people know me and they were as amazed as I was that I was attending this training. My response ranged from they finally made it official... to I am not an illegal alien anymore!!
As my confidence was going in a downward spiral, reality hit me on the head and I wonder why I was letting outside situations or people to determine how I felt about myself. Why would I let others determine my own value? Can other people really know how much I am worth or is it up to me to decide? Can I feel enough on my own right and not look for validation in others? Validation is like a double edge sword because on one side it can boost our ego but on the other, we become dependent on it and forget that we don't need anybody to tell us how wonderful we are, how great of a work we do, or anything for that matter. We are valuable just for who we are - unique individuals that have something special to offer to this world, whatever that something is. Don't look for validation! Don't let outside situations make you feel bad! You are your own compass and your own judge, just live from the heart and love yourself as you want others to love you and everything will be fine.
Blessings )0(
I was already down after feeling I was sick and a liability when I got to the doctor's office. As I got there, the routine is always the same - temperature, blood pressure and weight. I looked around for the scale as the nurse guided me when I get to a wall that has a huge metal platform parallel to the wall. As she lowered the platform, I realized this was like a biggest loser scale for people who weight 500 pounds. As I stepped on the scale, I could hear the bip, bip, bip in my head and the voice saying "Carolina your new weight is.... you have put on 12 pounds since your last weight in."
My self-esteem was taking a hit and that was not the end of it. As the week continued, my boss told me that she was sending me to the New Employee On-boarding class (NEO for short). You may be thinking that is a great opportunity to further education and receive more training but having a New Employee Training after working for a company for 6 years in two different departments sounded sort of crazy. Not to mention the amount of joking I received since many people know me and they were as amazed as I was that I was attending this training. My response ranged from they finally made it official... to I am not an illegal alien anymore!!
As my confidence was going in a downward spiral, reality hit me on the head and I wonder why I was letting outside situations or people to determine how I felt about myself. Why would I let others determine my own value? Can other people really know how much I am worth or is it up to me to decide? Can I feel enough on my own right and not look for validation in others? Validation is like a double edge sword because on one side it can boost our ego but on the other, we become dependent on it and forget that we don't need anybody to tell us how wonderful we are, how great of a work we do, or anything for that matter. We are valuable just for who we are - unique individuals that have something special to offer to this world, whatever that something is. Don't look for validation! Don't let outside situations make you feel bad! You are your own compass and your own judge, just live from the heart and love yourself as you want others to love you and everything will be fine.
Blessings )0(
Monday, June 20, 2011
You can not go back this time....
There are times in life when we are faced with situations that make us think further than what the situation is about. They take us to places where we can see the situation as a reflection of something else going on, some internal pattern that is reflected in the exterior. It's just a manifestation of our within. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I went swimming and in the swimming pool, there was a diving board. Years have passed since the last time I jumped from a diving board and even though the board looked as if it was not that tall, I am usually afraid of heights so the visual between the board and the deep pool make it a little scary for me to jump. As I waited for my turn to jump, I kept thinking that I could do it, that it was not that hard. I kept repeating "just jump" in my mind. When it was my turn, I walked to the end of the board and I could not do it, I could not jump. Fear paralyzed me and I had to walk back. The kids that were waiting for me to jump were sort of disappointed because the older lady did not jump when they were having so much fun. After a while, I decided to give it another try and this kid was behind me trying to motivate me. It was funny to hear him saying "if he can do it, you can do it for sure" while he was pointing at a 5 year old child. He kept saying that it is scary but once you jump is so much fun. As I walk on the board, he was holding to the sides of the end preventing me from going back and he kept saying "you can not go back this time, you can not go back this time." As I jumped, I could feel all my fears dissolving and I enjoyed the dive.
It's funny how many times in life we are so afraid of change that we don't jump. We may prefer to remain in a less than perfect situation just to not rattle the cage. Status quo is better than having to face our fears and change our lifestyles. I had this situation happen to me a few weeks ago when I decided to move apartments because I couldn't take the place I lived in anymore. At the beginning, it was paralyzing to have to find a new place, pack everything, unpack everything... just the thought would put fear in my head but now, I am so much happier. Like jumping from the diving board, once I took the first step, the fear dissolved and I could enjoy the ride. How many times have you wanted to change something in your life but not done so because you were afraid? How many times did you take one step to then go back and hide because fear was controlling you?
There are times in life when we get to a point when we can not go back and the question is ... are you ready to jump?
Blessings )0(
It's funny how many times in life we are so afraid of change that we don't jump. We may prefer to remain in a less than perfect situation just to not rattle the cage. Status quo is better than having to face our fears and change our lifestyles. I had this situation happen to me a few weeks ago when I decided to move apartments because I couldn't take the place I lived in anymore. At the beginning, it was paralyzing to have to find a new place, pack everything, unpack everything... just the thought would put fear in my head but now, I am so much happier. Like jumping from the diving board, once I took the first step, the fear dissolved and I could enjoy the ride. How many times have you wanted to change something in your life but not done so because you were afraid? How many times did you take one step to then go back and hide because fear was controlling you?
There are times in life when we get to a point when we can not go back and the question is ... are you ready to jump?
Blessings )0(
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