Time to fix the closet!

Today, my counselor asked me what I did this weekend to relax and I found myself responding... I went biking, then had pedicures and manicures, then a massage, then I fix the closet... or like we would call it "el placard." When I got to this part, she gave me an interesting look and I could sort of read her mind... yes, I am putting things in order and organizing the closet. The closet may be a nice metaphor of life as we have so many things there that we don´t even know. Taking everything out of the closet allowed me to visualize how at times it is hard for me to let go of things even when they don´t fit me anymore or they are old, they have holes, they look ugly but I still keep them!!! I even had some dresses from when I lived in Argentina and I was lets say... 50 pounds lighter.... Yeah, there is the unrealistic hope that one day I´ll fit in those again... mmmm. Yes, I needed to fix that closet and make room for new things in life and also I am organizing the ones I have so in my chaos of life I find some order and peace.

Like organizing my closet, today´s session took me to a trip to the past. I found myself telling her about the first year in the USA and how horrible it had been. It was so hard to get used to this new place. Having lost my independence, my career, my family, my friends, my language.... the list goes on! It is not strange that I ate my way to survival during that first year and I put so many pounds on. It is also not strange that I did not get concerned with health and being whole as I felt I was just a visitor of this land. This land was not home. A year passed and it finally dawn on me that this was to be home now and I should make better choices if I was to survived as my body could not take the American way of eating (no offense to anyone but not growing up in this country made my metabolism go into shock with the foods I was eating - not best choices either).

We continued the journey into the past and I found myself telling her stories of my mother, of her illness, of the instability and insecurity I felt in my house as a child. I did not have the tools to cope at that time as I did not have the tools to cope with my moving to a different country ten years ago. I think I can agree with Ava Park when she said Love is not all you need. You need more than love to survive and I needed more than a husband to feel home in this land because I had lost so much but at the same time, I traded some of the miseries from the past for this new adventure because I did feel I needed to go far far away and find my place in the world as there was no space for me in my homeland.

I continued telling her the stories of my grandparents and my parents and in those stories I could see parts of my own personal story. I feel my ancestors behind me teaching me as I unfold the things in the closet and look at them once again from a different perspective. I am not the woman I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago, I can look at these stories again and find new meaning because we can not forget where we come from and how we got here. We can not forget the lessons from the past or ignored them for too long. I heard myself telling my counselor that the women in my family before me did not have the opportunities I have now and I feel I am living for all of them. I am making decisions they may not have made due to fear or tribal myths. I am evolving in my blood line and being an example for my family.

As I face my big transition and my family asks why I don´t go back home, I say "USA is my home now, I have found my peace here and I feel safe even if I am alone." Fixing the closet was more than a physical act, it is my unconscious putting things in order, organizing, evaluating, meditating and setting course for the next adventure. Life is a mystery and I am getting ready for the next part of my journey.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

At the Chocolate Factory....

Golden ticket!!!!!! I got my golden ticket today!!!!! Yes! I got to go to the Chocolate Factory and learn how to make so different chocolates. I really felt like Willie Wonka when I got to the Chocolate Factory. My friend had invited me and I said yes! Let´s go make chocolate! You would think that somebody with the last name meaning love knows how to make sweet things, right? Well, I was there early and it was very nice when the lady at the front desk told me... oh yes, you are Carolina, I know who you are. I looked at all those beautiful confections thinking that I would never be able to make one of those.... yep.... I am not the crafty type. I am the writer, I am the lady of words, I am not a craft woman! But I do love cooking :)

I was the first to get on the apron and funky cap. As I was waiting for more people to get ready, I felt like the model of a funky magazine.... Definitely did not feel beautiful with that funky cap in my head!!! I know Ava says that any hat we have in our heads symbolizes a crown but this one did not! Believe it or not, I still kept my composure and did not show any signs of shyness or being uncomfortable. When my friends got there, I was modeling the cap and apron style and it was ok. I kept thinking about my friend who had told me before today... you have no control, let go! It is what it is and now you are with an apron and crazy cap.. don´t fight, just smile!

When we got to the room where we would be making the chocolate, I saw the tray with the ingredients and there the fun began! I had to fight my need for perfection in this process. There was a moment in the beginning when I looked at my friend and told her "This is why I don´t make chocolate... it looks like crap." I was trying to make Smore´s and they look awful! It was after the Smore´s that I realize that I was there just to have fun and learn fun stuff, not to have the perfect confection creation. Once I realized that, I was able to move on and have fun. Try different things... put sprinkles on my chocolate... get creative, don´t follow the teacher. As everyone was doing the flower as the teacher did, I did a heart... It was my chocolate and I was putting my own signature. Yes! Unique me was coming out in the chocolate.

When I saw my tray with all my creations I couldn´t feel anything but pride. I had created truffles, almond roca, tuxedo straberries, peppermint patties, smores, peanut butter cups, and many other things. I had put my energy and my love in that chocolate and something amazing has come out. I had let go of control and beauty has come out. It made me think that it´s time to release control and flow. I can´t control everything and at times, having fun is more important than the plan or the structure. Letting go of perfection allowed me to have fun and smile... my overpowering D personality type of competition and getting it done was coming out but I was able to move on and have fun, enjoy the experience, and at the end, learn that something beautiful can come out when we let go of control.

At the Chocolate Factory I have learned about myself... chocolate and all.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

What do you want? What do you need?

Being an Enneagram # 2, I am programmed to anticipate other people´s needs, I have an innate ability to determine what other people want and provide to them. People don´t need to worry about what they want or need when they are around me because I am usually providing that before they even say a word. Unfortunately, that also translates in putting everyone´s needs before mine to the point that I am not sure what I want or what I need because other people become disturbances in the field that do not allow me to see clearly what I really need, what I really want.

In the past 10 years, I have gone through major life changes. I moved to the USA because I met my husband and I wanted to be with him. I packed two bags and left the rest behind to start a new life when I was just 23 years old. Three years later, my mother passed away and that was also a major life change. My mother and I were very close. My dad is a captain of a ship and he was away most of the time so my mother and I were just one. When she passed away, I did not have the tools to sit down and grieve her passing. What did I do? I just got myself extremely busy and numb so I could not feel. Looking back at that moment, I know that was the only strategy I had at the time and it was the best I could do. Now, I am here again, at the threshold of another big transformation in my life and the option is sit with it and peel this onion so we can get to the core, clean and clear, and then move on having created space for the new or get busy again. Many friends say... you gotta get busy! Have a plan for every day! Go out!!! I say NO! This is it. Three times a charm! This is the time to evolve and grow. It may take crying like a baby for days. It may take laughing as a crazy person for days. I am sure it will be a ride but I am ready to be in my hermit space and deal with these emotions. I am where I was 10 years ago. This is a big reset. This is a big transformation and I am ready to sit with the grieving and really look at the root of all these feelings so I can understand and not repeat it again. Being numb doesn´t get you anywhere. Distracting yourself with outside activities does not do any good either. All you do is deny reality and it´s time to see reality and work on it. I am a Priestess and I´ve done a lot of personal work to know that denial will only bring more of what I am experiencing now. If you don´t learn the lesson, it will repeat itself! Different people, different places, different situations but the same lesson. It is time to go down the rabbit hole and see how deep can we go because after that, I know I will find wonderland.

Today, I was asked the question "What do you want? What do you need?" and I was like a deer in the headlights.... I did not know what to respond. I have spent most of my life caring for others, being there for them, anticipating their needs, living their stories.... I have lost my compass.... I lost my center and now I am awake and I see I have become too cluttered, too emotional, too lost that I don´t even know what I need or want. I don´t know what real happiness looks like for me. I know I can manifest my destiny but if I don´t know what I want, how could I manifest it? It takes direction and focus to be able to manifest our reality and I think I have just been manifesting realities for others because their needs have come first. It´s time to find my center, it´s time to peel that onion. I know my career is not my problem but I have definitely been covering other areas by worrying about my career. I did that when my mother passed away and just focussed on climbing that ladder... it´s easier to climb the ladder than sitting in the pain of loss and grief. I can´t do the same now. It´s time to delve into those emotions and as the year moves into the dark part... I, myself,  move into a deeper space of observation and working on the issues that have cluttered my space to the point that I don´t even know what I want or need. It´s time to live my life in an authentic way and put Carolina first. It´s time to find my center.

What do you want? What do you need?

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

I´ll prove you wrong....

Faith... Kindness... Trust... We live in a world that teaches us to not trust, to be hesitant when we receive a random act of kindness. What does this person want? Why is he nice to me? What´s going on here? There must be something behind this.... too good to be true.... How many more phrases can you come up with? Television shows us this is not a safe world to live in. The media is always promoting terror and bad news. We are bombarded with negativity and it´s hard to shield from the continuous message that we are not safe. We are also bombarded with Tribal Myths such as "marriage is forever", "women are not to be alone", "you have to work hard to have money"..... there are so many tribal myths we are bombarded with that we have lost track of them and we have assimilated them so we believe that they are ours.... Then we are fighting ourselves because in the end we believe those myths that our tribe has made for us are true and real because in the past they were meant to protect us but now they are just another mechanism of control.

This week I was traveling for work in Los Angeles, California. It was a very interesting trip. First, the car I was driving was a pain! So big and uncomfortable to drive! Los Angeles traffic is famous for being painful and in this car that was big and with no power, I felt like I was trapped in a big suit surrounding me... bogging me down.... I am so used to my Rav4 with her power that I can run if I want to.... opps.... yeah got a ticket for driving too fast but you can´t take the Latin out of me and I do like speed!

This ugly car did not prevent me from exploring a little bit! And little did I know there was some Argentinean restaurants in the Los Angeles area. I´ve been eating Latin food during the trip and my best friend told me that it was just like Miami so that lit my bulb!!!! Argentinean food!!!!! Yelp is my best friend lately as it help me find food and places to explore :)  I found this Argentinean supermarket/restaurant to try that was just 3 miles away from my hotel so there I went with my GPS in hand and ready to try something familiar but new. I found this place easily and when I got in it felt just like a sketch in Argentinean television where there are a few tables, the bar that only serves some coffee and non-alcoholic drinks and a few guys saying Boludo aqui and Boludo alla... meaning you moron here and you moron there! Very Buenos Aires style!

I usually use English as my language but here I was like I would be better off if they see I am 100% Argentinean... well not sure... I am a Porteña! Like saying I am a New Yorker! You get the picture. I got this server who was the owner and he was so bitter.... I think we started with the wrong foot because he asked me what I wanted to drink and I said red wine and he said.... We DO NOT SELL alcohol. Oppsssss... oh well bring me a coke! That was followed by the question.. how many people will be joining you? And I looked at him in the eye and said, it´s just me, party of one. He gave me the eye!!!! Yes, I don´t have a wedding ring, I am alone and I am ok alone..... Then when I ordered, he once again gave me a weird look because I was ordering for two people but I just wanted to try the food from my country and I did not care if I took half to the hotel. I think he was sort of surprised and annoyed that a woman alone was ordering that.... He so remind me of my father!!!!! And I have broken many of his structures! When I was done with my food, I ordered desert and once again he was amazed! Was he thinking this porteña can eat? Isn´t she worried about her figure when she is not married as she has no wedding ring????? He cracked me up so much and I kept smiling and sending him love. Even the clients in the bar who seemed to be regular clients were telling him he never smiles and he is just unhappy! After this trip of a meal I decided to give him over 20% trip. I was committed to show him that even when he judged me and treated me weird, I would be graceful and compassionate and show him love. I think he was so surprised about my tip that he came back and smiled to me as a child with a new toy would do and say thank you. I think that made my day. He needed to be shown that there is still good in this world. Yes, I am Argentinean and I am lucky to speak English perfectly and look like American whether I am wearing my hear in its original blonde, or red, or black..... I still like supporting my people and I will always prove you wrong when you judged me and think I am this way or that way. I am just who I am - an authentic being filled with love and compassion and wanting to smile at you and make your day brighter.

Any time I am judged, I know I´ll prove you wrong... just give me time....

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

Endings ... Beginnings... The Cycle of Life

As a Priestess and Magical Practitioner, I know that we are always in the never ending cycle of birth-death-rebirth. You can see this pattern in nature where plants die during the cold months but they are reborn in the spring time. Why is it so hard to let it go then? If we are aware that every ending brings a new beginning and that we are always in the continued cycle of transformation because if we are not changing and evolving, we are dead. 

Knowing this as my reality, I still struggle letting go of the past and moving on. Being a very earthy sign, security and status quo at times bring peace to me and I may stay in the state of dying and holding on to what´s dead for fear of being reborn, for fear of the unknown, for longer than I should.

During the past year, I´ve been evaluating my life and bringing transformation in different areas because I realized it was time to let go of some patterns and habits that no longer serve the person I am today. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, not even the same person I was 5 years ago. What was great then, it may be obsolete now. The lesson is to see what was, greet it and say goodbye because in holding on to those things we prevent the new to come in.

It´s also easier to complain about what is instead of changing or taking a risk. I know this to be true with me at times when I look back and I see... I complained about the same thing again and again until I was able to realize that I was just fulfilling the definition of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If we want something different, we have to do something different. We can´t do the same thing and expect a different result. We have no control over the events in our lives but we do have control over our reactions and responses to those events. If you want a different result, respond differently. I´ve been saying I want to go home for Christmas for about 9 years now. Every year, the time comes around and I am always longing to be home and I am always saying next year I will do it. Well, this year is that year! This year is the year that I do something different instead of longing or complaining. This year is the year of ACTION. I sat enough in situations and relationships that were not fulfilling and I can´t continue that way because if I do, I will only get the same result. This is my year of change and transformation, also the year to go back to the core and find the parts of myself that I lost in the journey but that they are still part of who I am.

In what part of the cycle are you? Is there anything that needs to be released so it can be transformed? Are you holding on to things when you know it´s time to move on? 

Endings... Beginnings... This is the cycle of life.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

Paddle....

Paddle... paddle.... left .... right.... don´t fall!!!!! I tried paddle board for the first time in my life yesterday and being on that board and paddling was an experience! On Friday, one of my best friends had told me that I should lay on my boat and trust... go with the flow... the boat of Isis would take me to safe destinations and I just had to trust... no matter the storm and the shake... TRUST!

Being on the board was a test for my trust! In my mind, I was like.... evaluate the worst possible situation.... falling in the lake... drowning... dying.... well I know how to swim so I can´t drawn unless my body goes into shock because of how cold the water is.... As you can imagine, I have not died as I am writing this blog now.

When I was in the water I was able to connect with this element, the Queen´s element, water and flow. I was able to jump in the water and feel the fear of falling, I was also able to stand in the board and fall and get back in the board and that gave me the trust I needed for my life. Sometimes you have to push through your fear, you have to push through all those voices that say you can´t have it, you can´t do it your way, you can´t manifest your destiny.

Feeling the flow of the lake was peaceful... it´s easier than the flow of the ocean but it is still a flow and you can connect with it and feel her power. Can you go against what´s meant to be yours? Can you go against your destiny? You CAN! The real question is DO YOU REALLY WANT TO?

You know it is yours, your destiny is yours to have and you can try ignore it, you can try look the other way but in reality, deep down in yourself you know it is yours and you can either chicken out and run away, pretend everything is ok when it is not and prentend... PRETEND... PRETEND....

I say.. JUMP! When I jumped into the lake, not falling from lack of equilibrium, but jump because I wanted to feel the thrill of the jump... the freezing cold... the adrenaline... the push!!!!! I felt alive!!!! I know the storms may be coming my way but I know I can handle the weather as long as I am true to myself... If I am authentic, I can handle everything. Paddle, paddle, paddle.... you will get to your destination. Trust! If you are true to yourself, the destination is yours to have and there is nothing wrong that can happen even when you don´t have a lifejacket!

Many blessings!

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/

Be an observer of life

I was driving in my car the other day while listening to Stuart Wilde´s Infinite Self recordings and he was talking about being an observer of life. This phrase really resonated with me because we are usually pretty caught up in emotions and react to everything. We live in a reactive way of life instead of accepting reality - Life just is. There is no positive or negative situation, there are just situations and we taint them with our emotions and make them either good or bad, positive or negative, happy or sad... you name the emotion but it is definitely our emotions that determine the quality of how we perceive the experiences and not the experience itself. 

Stuart kept saying that we need to let go of our ego self and just do life. For example, if you wake up one morning and your car is not there, just say to yourself "Today I am doing walking." If you are stuck in a traffic jam, just say "Today I am doing traffic." Just do life! Whatever it is put in our way, don´t react, just observe and let go of your expectation of what you need for that particular moment because it is usually our ego that had determined what the ego needs and whatever does not follow those needs is bad and creates emotions. 

This concept is easier said than done of course! This past week, I was just trying to do life. Yes, a friend may be acting stupid so I would say... today I am doing stupid so and so. The air conditioning in my house broke down so that day I did overheating and trying to stay cool that day. The door in the shower broke so I was doing towel to prevent water to come out. It was interesting to realize how much I react to life instead of just accepting what it is.... we can not change the events in our lives but we can definitely change our responses to those events. If something makes you really angry, stop and think why are you getting so angry? Can you just do life? Can you just accept that it is what it is and move on? We spend a lot of energy reacting and getting emotional but we are not our emotions, we are divine beings, we are sacred. 

We also spend a lot of energy trying to change others into what our expectations of them are. Why would we expect so and so to do something different when he or she has always done the same? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. When we don´t get that result, we get angry, depressed, sad, or any other emotion you may have. 

It´s time we become an observer of life and not a reactive monkey trying to control situations or people to meet our ego expectations. They are who they are. Life is what it is. Just accept it and let go of your need so you will become and observer of life and have more energy to manifest your reality instead of leaking it in unnecessary emotions.

Many blessings,

Lady Carolina Amor

Presiding Priestess of Circulo de Isis
www.circulodeisis.org
Member of the Archdruid Union
https://sites.google.com/site/fellowshipofisiscentral/fellowship-of-isis-foundation-union-triad---archdruid-union
Founder of Tienda Roja
https://www.facebook.com/groups/441201419296609/