For many years, I've been pushing myself to do many things at the same time, always running, always doing, non-stop. It was like running a marathon but never seeing the finish line. No matter what people would tell me, I would always do twenty things at the same time without noticing that in this process, I was depleting myself. I was spreading myself too thing and I did not have time to "be" instead I was always "doing". I associated doing with being to the point that I would define myself by the things I do and I would believe that people would like me for what I do instead of for who I am. Would they love me if I did not do things for them? Would they like me if I did not follow their every wish? This was the mantra that motivate me to do more than what I could and end up in a point where I am exhausted and have no energy for anything. I also notice that doing could also be used as a mechanism for not seeing. For example, when I move to this country, I did not want to see my loneliness so I started doing things, filling my time with a long list of things to do that will leave me exhausted and with no energy to even think about what I was feeling. Can you say coping mechanism? I can. I know that "doing" because the drug that kept me going and prevented me from seeing things that were not working in my life and taking ownership in fixing them or moving on.
Now, that I have finished school, there is the void. There is the time that is filled with emptiness because now I don't have deadlines, I don't have to write papers, I don't have to prepare team assignments, I just have time to do what I want or just be. This void or space feels uncomfortable since I have become used to always doing and if I am not doing, who am I? This time, the void feels different, this time my body is telling me to stop and sit back, relax and just be. Sometimes "being" is as important as doing because in the process of being, I can discover who I am behind all the masks and layers that doing has created. I can peeled those layers and discover the core and just be me. It is challenging to let go of the unhealthy pattern of believing I am super woman and I can do twenty million things at the same time, but I also know that if I don't stop and reflect, I will just burn out and then I will have no energy for anything. This week has been the first week that I took care of myself. I got home, relaxed and just be. I did not push myself to go to the gym, I did not push myself to write or translate. I just followed my intuition, went to bed early, watch TV and relaxed. In the beginning, this felt foreign and strange but as the week passed, I realized that it is my time for taking care of myself, for putting my needs and feelings first, and sit back and relax. This is the reason why you may see me less often online or maybe not see me at all. Nothing is wrong. I am just taking care of myself and dedicating some time to "being" and letting go of "doing".